Today is the Day...

Year One

2009-06-23T00:15:00.003-04:00

Exactly one year ago today I started this blog as an attempt to chronicle my journey to become a professional comedy writer in New York City. It's been a long, eventful year -- but I'm happy to report that just a few minutes shy of midnight that "Rudy goal" came true. It happened, and I couldn't be happier.

I am so appreciative to all of my friends and family who got me to this point. There were a lot of twists, turns, and detours on this journey but they all stuck by me and encouraged me to keep heading down this path. I especially want to thank my parents, without whom I could never have made this happen.

I'm on top of the world right now and wish I could thank everyone individually - but we've got another show tomorrow and those John McCain jokes aren't going to write themselves!

Thanks for reading and your continued encouragement.

Oh, What a Week It Has Been...

2009-06-18T21:42:00.005-04:00

All The Palin Letterman Drama In One Minute (VIDEO):
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/06/18/all-the-palin-letterman-d_n_217713.html

Video: Rabid Letterman Protesters Turn Out to Be Big Leno Fans:
http://videos.nymag.com/video/At-the-Fire-David-Letterman-Ral

Top Ten Things Overheard At The "Fire David Letterman" Rally:

http://www.cbs.com/late_show/video/video.php?cid=446418043&pid=7USeAcwrZTmC6RbwZm2_8uKKuVNOuTas&play=true&cc=1

Having Dreams is What Makes Life Tolerable

2009-06-13T07:41:00.004-04:00

When I first moved here to New York I wrote about my "Rudy goal." I can't really get into much detail about how things are going for me right now, but in the last week I have hit that point in the film when he makes the team and starts dressing for the games. As of last Thursday, I've come just about as close as I possibly can to game time.

My goal was to write professional comedy writer in late-night television. Optimistically, I think I'm only a few weeks away from that happening. Could be a little bit more. Could be a little bit less. But realistically if things continue on their current track it will most likely happen for me.

Will I be able to live off of what I'm making? God, no. Who can? But this is something that I've wanted since I was about 12 years old and I have never been closer to making it happen. I just need one and I've achieved that goal. No matter what happens in my life or career, I will always have that.

Just a heads up that I may not be posting to the blog quite as much. Rest assured, when there is good news you will know.

I Got the Call

2009-06-05T18:20:00.004-04:00

Well, time to start writing...

Making Discoveries

2009-06-05T17:08:00.005-04:00

My apologies for not posting more frequently. This week involved writing each morning, a regular work week, trying to watch and compare two simultaneous late-night shows (Letterman and Conan), and one attempt at late-night baking after a Yankees game:

The good news is that I have written and posted two-liners on ten of the last eleven days. That may sound like a small accomplishment, but it is a pretty big deal to me. Ideally, the more I write - the stronger they will become. And I know that at least one or two of them have garnered chuckles, which is certainly a respectable place to start.

I've also been reading a book called Process by Michael Gelman and Mary Scruggs. I was lucky enough to have Michael in the Second City Conservatory, and reading the book is like experiencing all of those lessons and exercises all over again. It made me miss improv, performing, and the fact that we had a stage every week where we could put something on its feet and test the waters. Once again, I'm thinking about signing up for classes at UCB.

I still haven't figured out what it next for me after Late Show, but I like wherever I'm headed.

Things Currently Making Me Happy

2009-06-01T10:25:00.006-04:00

-My new morning ritual: a newspaper, breakfast from Wonder Bagel, and writing comedy.

-Yesterday, I found my new favorite NYC burger at Le Parker Meridien.

-This morning I purchased tickets to see Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band play the final concert in Giants Stadium this October.

-In just a few hours I'll be heading to work for what will be the first day of a new landscape in late night television.

-In the words of Frank Sinatra, "I like New York in June. How about you?"

Snip Snip

2009-05-28T12:15:00.008-04:00

I learned most of what I know about life from pop culture. But a little bit of knowledge can be a very dangerous thing.

One evening shortly before I was a teenager I can remember watching an episode of Caroline in the City with my parents when there was a reference to "circumcision." My parents chuckled while I stared blankly into the television. I asked them what the word meant and they became slightly uncomfortable. Mom got up to get something from the kitchen and Dad explained it like this:

"It's where they snip the tip."

Which is really all the explanation you would need...if you had any idea what on earth that meant. I pressed him further and he explained in vague and ambiguous terms that it was a completely natural process. It's done for health reasons and not to worry, I'd had it done when I was a baby.

I nodded and went back to the couch, thinking about the information that I'd just heard. I attempted to make sense out of it. "Snip the tip?" Where had I heard that expression before? And then I used two unrelated pieces of sitcom information to form one of the weakest conclusions that I had ever come up with:

That my parents had given me a vasectomy at birth.

In a recent episode of Home Improvement, I had heard them talking about a similar "snip" when Tim and Jill decided that they did not want any more kids. Tim was worried, and she explained that it was just going to be a little snip and it would all be over.

When I woke up the next morning, I did so with the knowledge that I would never become a father. I was so angry with my parents. What right did they have? I mean, come on! It's my body. They didn't even give me a say in the matter? A few minutes after I was born my parents took a look at me and decided, "Ahh, the miracle of life. Let's make sure he can never experience this."

I wish I could say that I sat down and expressed this frustration with them. Or that I immediately went to a dictionary and looked it up. But instead I spent several weeks walking around thinking that I had the worst parents in the world. Parents so cruel that they had subjected me to a rare "infant vasectomy." For health reasons.

It Matters a Great Deal

2009-05-27T19:26:00.012-04:00

There's a quote from The Lion in Winter (though I only know it from Aaron Sorkin references in both Sports Night and The West Wing):

TOBY: Hey, your favorite movie was on TV last night.
BARTLET: "By God, I'm 50, alive, and the King all at the same time."
TOBY: I turned it on just as they got to the scene when Richard, Geoffrey and John were locked in the dungeon and Henry was coming down to execute them. Richard tells his brothers not to cower, but to take it like men. And Geoffrey says, "You fool! As if it matters how a man falls down." And Richard says...
BOTH: "When the fall is all that's left...it matters a great deal."

Maybe it's just because I've had the week off and have had an inordinate amount of time for cable TV news, but I feel like there are a lot of men falling these days. And in very different ways. The most recent is Senator Roland Burris.

In an interview with MSNBC's Chris Matthews this afternoon, Burris explained that he is not guilty of buying his seat from former Governor Rod Blagojevich. No no no - it's just the opposite. The recently released tapes prove that he went out of his way not to commit a crime. He went so far out of his way to not commit that crime that he did everything one would do in order to commit that crime without it appearing that he had committed it.

Senator, you broke the law and got caught. You told Rod's brother that you would "personally do something" for his campaign, but it would have to be done in someone else's name. Now is not the time to cower. Now is the time to take it like a man. Be accountable for your actions, because it matters a great deal.

Your Attention Please

2009-05-25T22:26:00.007-04:00

Since I couldn't afford to make it all the way back to Indy for the race this weekend, I chose to hop on the Chinatown bus and spend Memorial Day with my good friends Theo and Amanda in Washington DC. I had a terrific time catching up with them, seeing the sights, and consuming great food and drink in our nation's capital. The bus was a breeze and they were fantastic, accommodating hosts. However...

Washington DC has the lamest public transportation systems I've ever seen.

-In Chicago and New York you can ride anywhere in the city for one flat fee. It costs me the exact same amount whether I'm headed to work, Coney Island, or the Biergarten. This is terrific because I'm more inclined to explore the city and boroughs when I know that it won't cost me extra. Not the case in DC, where you have to swipe in both when you enter AND when you exit. They charge you based on how far you've traveled -- like the Jersey Turnpike. Instead of an incentive to alleviate traffic and congestion, they punish people who live outside of the city or "park and ride" from the surrounding areas. WTF?

-In New York the subway systems are like a spiderweb beneath the island that take you within a few blocks of just about anywhere you'd like to go. In DC there are a few lines that get you in the general direction and then it's up to you to navigate interstate bus service. Good luck!

-Each subway car has carpet. What's the problem with this? Each carpet has to be vacuumed once a week, shampooed every two months and replaced every five years. That's $5,200 to replace the carpet in EACH CAR. Why? Why?!?

-Electronic signs are posted at bus stops and train stations that warn you how much time you've got until the next train comes. They also have little flashing lights along each track that blink when a train is approaching. You know, in case you didn't see a train hurtling toward you. Or see the sign notifying you. Or hear that big-ass train come barreling your way.

-Trains stop running in DC at midnight. Apparently the entire city just shuts down after dark. What happens if you've got to stay late for work? Well then you're either paying for a cab or spending the night at your intern or congressional aide's dorm. Ahh, so THAT's how it happens...

Don't get me wrong - the New York subway system is confusing in the best of times. With unscheduled delays, service changes, weekends hours, express lanes and the occasional Taking of Pelham 123 -- it's a badge of honor to ride the MTA.

But if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere - even a lame-ass public transit system like Washington DC.

Old Days

2009-05-21T11:09:00.001-04:00

How old am I?

Women that I used to date are now buying houses from other women I used to date. Which would be one thing if I used to date a lot of real estate agents, but unfortunately that was not the case.

Nope. I'm just getting old.

When I Dream About the Moonlight on the Wabash

2009-05-19T22:40:00.007-04:00

This evening I was walking home from a few after-work drinks at Blockheads when I heard a familiar voice at 34th and Broadway. Could it be that famed Indianapolis Motor Speedway announcer Tom Carnegie was announcing a NEW...TRACK...RECORD? Whoa -- how many margaritas did I order?

For the past few weeks Macy's has gotten into the spirit of the Indy 500 by displaying antique cars in their store and display windows. Yesterday, they also had all 33 drivers stop traffic in Herald Square to promote this weekend's 93rd running of the Indianapolis 500. This evening they were broadcasting video and interviews with legends of racing like AJ Foyt, Al Unser, and Helio Castroneves.

I'm pretty bummed that I won't be in town for the race this weekend. Most people don't understand - but there's a reason they call it the Greatest Spectacle in Racing. It's not just about sitting there and watching a bunch of cars go around in a circle. It truly is a spectacle that I've grown up with.

I grew up listening to it with my family on our back porch. I worked the event for my radio station on more than one occasion. In the past few years, I even drove down from Chicago to attend with family and friends. Whether or not it makes any sense to someone outside the city of Indianapolis, it's like a Hoosier holiday.

It's strange, because I know that I'm where I need to be. I'm doing what I need to do. I'm loving it here and I would not trade this experience in New York for anything. I feel like big things are going to happen to me in the near future if I just keep working and wait it out a little longer.

Still, I miss my friends and family. I miss a lot about the life I had in Chicago. But, this weekend in particular, I'm really wishing I was back home again in Indiana.

Outwit Outplay Outlast

2009-05-17T09:55:00.005-04:00

Five years ago, the morning show that I was working for was in charge of a LIVE audience shot for a season finale of Survivor. That's me in the bottom right corner of the screen getting the crowd pumped about Rupert.

Now I get to do that every night at The Late Show with David Letterman and tonight's LIVE season finale of Survivor: Tocantins.

Catch the two-hour season finale tonight on CBS at 8 pm EST.

God of Carnage

2009-05-13T22:54:00.003-04:00

Tonight I decided to see a Broadway show -- because that's what happens in this city. After walking past two dozen theaters every day, you finally give in and see the one that's been taunting and teasing you the most. For me, it was God of Carnage.

The Tony nominated play stars James Gandolfini (The Sopranos), Jeff Daniels (The Squid and the Whale) , Hope Davis (In Treatment) and Marcia Gay Harden (Damages). Each performance was also nominated for an individual Tony, as was director Matthew Warchus. I wanted to see the play, but wasn't sure I could swing it right now. However, after a glowing review in the NYTimes, a recent interview on The Colbert Report, and the constant buzz from theatergoers in Midtown I went ahead and picked up my standing-room only ticket.

I'm happy to say that the show lived up to my expectations. That may not mean much to some of you - but that's quite a compliment coming from me. I knew it would be funny and it was. I knew I'd enjoy it and I did. My standard barometer for a movie or play is whether it's better than I thought it would be. More often than not I am disappointed, but this was equally as good as I thought it would be.

How's that for a banner quote?

"Equally as good as I thought it would be!"
-Standing-Room Only Ticketholder

Yeah Yeah Yeah

2009-05-12T09:43:00.003-04:00

When I was living in Chicago I would often find myself stuck in the place between where I was and where I wanted to be. Things at work were at a stand-still and there was relatively little hope on the horizon. I was feeling a little defeated and questioned whether or not I would be able to change anything for the better.

And then I bought a map.

This may sound ridiculous, but the mere fact that I had a map of New York City hanging in my apartment made it easier to get out of bed in the morning. It made it easier when I had a bad day at work. When I came home, it was a giant reminder to do at least one thing to further my career or push myself.

It's not that I didn't have the ambition before, it's just that I'm very good at distracting myself. I get tunnel vision and focus on what's immediately in front of me rather than the long-term goals.

And so that is why there is currently one wall of my apartment devoted to the next thing that I want to focus my attention on: writing jokes for the monologue. Common topics, punch lines, and go-to references that will remind me to turn off the TV, put down the book, or stop appreciating OTHER people's creativity and come up with my own material.

I know it sounds crazy, but every time I walk past my visual representation of the monolgue in my head it helps.

I think it was a combination of lessons I learned from my parents and really great teachers, but it has been my experience that it's simply a matter of a) where you are, b) where you want to be, and c) how you're gonna get there. Once you figure out those three things you're unstoppable.

All you need is a map.

The Meek Have Inherited

2009-05-10T13:33:00.004-04:00

What happens when a generation of kids raised on X-Men, Star Trek, Transformers, GI Joe and Terminator finally make their own disposable income? The summer of 2009 happens. And the meek inherit the box office.

What does it say about the time in which we live that virtually every summer blockbuster was inspired by actions figures that have been boxed up and labeled "Old Toys" for the last twenty years. Are we seeking comfort in these times of economic and global turmoil? Are studios growing increasingly wary of new ideas? Are the kids of the 1980s the only ones going to see movies anymore?

Last night, I gave in and saw the new Star Trek film. I never watched the television show and had no particular interest in seeing the film, but felt guilty that I'd also avoided multiple requests to join friends for The Watchmen or Street Fighter. At least this one was directed by J.J. Abrams, I thought.

This may sound like an odd comparison, but my experience of watching the latest Star Trek film reminded me of how I felt during The Devil Wears Prada.

In college, I learned that the difference between "low culture" and "high culture" is that high culture is less accessible. It requires either a special knowledge or experience to be fully appreciated. Opera is "high culture" because tickets are expensive and many of them are performed in a foreign language. Britney Spears is "low culture" because it is easily accessible to the masses and even an idiot can understand, "If You Seek Amy."

I was thoroughly confused while sitting in the theater for Devil Wears Prada. So much so, in fact, that the only thing I remember about the film was constantly needing to ask my girlfriend what was going on.

"Who is that?"

"That's a very famous designer."

"Oh."

"Why did everyone gasp?"

"That's a hideous dress."

"Oh."

"When can we leave?"

"Shh!"

There were numerous occasions last night when I would hear gasps and immediately crane my neck to see what everyone was looking at. A character would identify himself and people would cheer. A vaguely recognizable catchphrase was uttered as the husband and wife beside me recited it with accuracy.

Don't get me wrong - it was a fine movie, and the producers made every attempt to balance the film for both avid fans and newbies. There was action, humor and special effects that required no previous knowledge of the Enterprise. It just wasn't one of MY movies. None of these new box office hits has any personal attachment to my childhood. I know they'll connect with friends of mine, and guys that I grew up with -- but I'm in no rush to spend my money on Transformers 2.

On second thought, scratch that: Megan Fox is in that one.

I suppose the nerds are finally having their day, and those of us who never hung out in their basements are regulated to the indie theaters this summer. I just wish I knew what was wrong with their ears and why they're doing that weird thing with their hands.

Cough Cough, Snort Snort

2009-05-08T13:59:00.005-04:00

To Whom It May Concern:

By the time you're reading this, it may be too late. It seems that I have come down with a case of the swine flu. And by swine flu, I mean it could be any number of ailments. Monkey pox, avian flu, mad cow, killer bees, cholera, typhoid fever...the list is endless. Heck, for all I know it could be nothing more than spring allergies. Still, one can never be too careful.

Ordinarily, one might take this opportunity to bequeath his estate to family and friends. However, in the interest of public health and safety, I have destroyed all personal belongings. Even my dear, sweet Velveteen Rabbit has been permanently discarded.

I have chosen to live out my remaining days among the wilderness. In the style of my favorite transcendental poets, I am retreating back to nature. I will live among the pollenous trees, weeds and grasses of the earth. Perhaps the only cure to what ails me is life among my furry, dandered canine and feline friends. I can feed off of shellfish, strawberries, and the obscure nuts until one day when I...

Hang on. I just found a Tylenol Multi-Symptom Cold medicine. Nevermind. See you in a few days.

-Mike

Festival Comedy

2009-05-04T07:31:00.004-04:00

Over the weekend I worked a promotional event in East Rutherford, NJ called the Bamboozle Festival. Two fun-filled days in the parking lot of Giant's stadium while thousands of young people rebelled against anything not sold at Hot Topic. Shirtless fights, circle pits, and multiple trips to the emergency room were all endured in the love of bands like This Is Hell, Vision of Disorder, and Suicide Silence.

The festival featured nine stages, so one might understand that they occasionally want to change it up a bit. As is the current trend in outdoor music festivals, they also featured a comedy stage. I've been to many comedy shows and many music festivals, but until yesterday I'd never seen comedy at a music festival.

While on a break, I had the opportunity to see a few minutes of Zach Galifianakis in the "Kazoozle Tent." Several hundred of us were shoved into a crowded tent so that Zach could take the stage as soon as a nearby band finished their set.

"When they asked me if I wanted to do the Bamboozie festival, I had a couple of questions," he said. "Will it be in a parking lot outside of a football stadium in New Jersey? Will it be a bunch of Blink 182 cover bands? Will it be in a circus tent?"

Zach is not a high energy comedian. In fact, he is notoriously low energy. Complaining about Joaquin Phoenix on The Late Show he said, "Hey Joaquin, Zach Galifianakis called. He wants his Zach Galifianakis back."

In a club or theater, Zach deftly pauses between jokes to fit his persona. But it was incredibly awkward when he took more than a half a second, because you could still hear at least two of the other bands outside the tent screaming obscenities or demanding that everyone throw their neighbor to the ground.

It could have been this particular combination of music, comedy and crowd. Perhaps I was the only one who had trouble focusing on the sound in front of him. It could also be that I'm just a 25-year old who doesn't get it. But if anyone asks me to go see comedy at All Points West, I think I'll pass.

Ain't Nothin' Gonna Break My Stride

2009-04-27T02:42:00.005-04:00

When I used to come to New York as a kid, my father and I would cram each trip full of activities. We would run from museums to television shows to Broadway shows. On one occasion I remember having to leave the NBC tour early to jump in a cab and head uptown to a taping of Celebrity Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. Sure it's a vacation - but who wants to sit around and do nothing when there are so many fun and exciting things to get out and experience?

To this day, I'm much happier when I'm busy. I've been burning the candle at both ends for the past week or two and loving every minute of it. In fact, yesterday I experienced the quintessential New York weekend: beautiful weather, a film premiere, a walk through Chelsea/Union Square, sunset in the park with friends, and drinks with very lovely people.

The next few weeks are going to be swamped with work events, friends coming in from out of town, comedy shows and birthday parties - which makes me appreciate this city in a whole new way.

God bless the city that doesn't sleep.

Dynamite

2009-04-26T02:03:00.007-04:00

A few months ago I wrote something about how I didn't think New York had anything special by way of the female persuasion. At this time, I would like to immediately retract that argument. I submit, for you consideration, the wonder that is spring.

Flowers in blossom. Sunshine above. And city block after city block of beautiful women. My apologies to the women of New York City. Had I known what you were hiding under those peacoats and scarves - I might have been as speechless as I was this afternoon in this warm weather.

Additionally - my apologies for not posting lately, but I've been a little busy between work at The Late Show and the Tribeca Film Festival. As expected - I'm working my ass off and loving every minute of it. Oddly enough, my tasks are so similar that I'm being recognized at one for the other. Last night a patron at Tribeca asked me, "Aren't you the guy who also said there weren't any more seats left in standby at Letterman last week?" Yep. That was me. And, apparently, I am your arch nemesis.

The festival runs through the end of next week, so I'm hoping to take every opportunity possible to work, see films, and continue learning as much as possible. I'm also enjoying bizarre and incredibly minute celebrity encounters like holding a door for Debra Messing, asking Dana Delaney to move to the sidewalk, and giving Ice-T and his wife a standard: "Hey. What's up?"

Black Dynamite is my current favorite to beat, but I'll keep ya posted if and when that changes.

Chicks and Ducks and Geese Better Scurry

2009-04-20T23:53:00.007-04:00

I've been working 8 hour days lately, so I have to ask - how in the hell do you people do it? I mean really - a solid 8 hours? And then what, you just get up in the morning and do it all over again? How often can someone possibly do this? Five days a week?!? Are you kidding me? Where do you even find the time to Twitter?

In other news of the naive, I recently discovered that a blazer I have been wearing for over a year came with pockets. Apparently, grown men are supposed to rip the seams of their pockets in order to open them up for use. The same goes for the tails of the jacket. These are two things which I did not know until a friend began grooming me in the middle of a bar on Saturday. At this time I wish to extend my gratitude toward the friend and admonishment toward Esquire for leaving this fact out of their most recent issue.

On that same subject of things I learned this weekend, if you live in a city of 8 million people you're going to run into at least one person that you have been avoiding each week. At which point you will be forced to pretend like you were not avoiding them. In many cases, this will require acting. What, you thought it was a coincidence that all of the greats studied here? Brando, De Niro, and Pachino all got their start ditching people on subway platforms, coffee shops, and birthday parties in Queens.

Now I'm going to sleep so that I can wake up in the morning and make eggs, which Esquire DID tell me was part of being a man.

Hardened

2009-04-18T06:15:00.000-04:00

I think there's a degree to which I am becoming a hardened New Yorker.

The other night I was at a show and some little punk in the first row was wearing sunglasses. In a darkened theater. I'm not sure why, but it bothered me throughout the entire show.

What is that kid's problem? He wasn't blind, because he pulled out his phone to text message about eighteen times. And, as Larry David says, there are only two types of people who wear sunglasses indoors -- "blind people and assholes."

I fought the urge to give him a piece of my mind, primarily because I thought it would be more disrespectful to the folks on stage if I were to cross in front of them to do it. But still. Come on. You're either on drugs, sleeping, or under the delusion that you think you look cool.

Blind people and assholes.

Whatcha Gonna Do?

2009-04-17T15:25:00.006-04:00

I am glad that I don't have a car in New York City, because this makes it much more difficult to get a moving violation in New York City.

Last night, while walking home from a show at UCB, I saw sirens flashing on 23rd Street. As I stepped closer, I discovered that the sirens were not coming from a cop car, but from a taxi cab. Had I finally discovered the elusive Cash Cab?

Nope. Instead of a "game show cab" that drives around the city giving commuters cash I found an "undercover police officer cab" that drives around the city busting commuters and giving them speeding tickets. A cop car that looks like a taxi cab? Damn, that's some cold shit.

Why? Because it adds insult to injury. Back in high school, I was given a speeding ticket by a cop in a Camaro. Cops aren't supposed to drive Camaros! If you see a cop you slow down, but how am I supposed to slow down if he's driving a sporty little sports car. A taxi cab is even worse, because it's not like you would EVER expect those guys to follow the traffic laws of this country.

The only thing more humiliating than being pulled over by a taxi with sirens is being pulled over by a golf cart with sirens.

Endorsement: Cocky

2009-04-12T22:26:00.004-04:00

"Wouldn't this be a great world if insecurity and desperation made us more attractive? If needy were a turn-on?"

-Broadcast News

Over the past week I have begun planning my next steps after The Late Show. I've spoken with coworkers past and present who have all confirmed what I've long suspected: no one is hiring and it's a crappy time to be out of a job. And while I still have the luxury of a few more months, I'm attempting to get a head start by beginning the search immediately.

One startling observation came to me while reviewing cover letters that I had submitted in previous job searches. Of the many jobs and industries that I have applied for, the submissions that yielded the most results all have one thing in common: they were cocky. In some cases, incredibly cocky.

Cockiness isn't necessarily a bad thing. Cover letters and interviews require a certain degree of arrogance and self-assertiveness that may seem unnatural for those with my particular brand of Midwestern humility. Perhaps what I consider cocky comes off as merely confidence. Nevertheless, I know that I'm at my best when it doesn't look like I need whatever it is that I'm trying to get.

It's one of those little realizations that I'm going to remember for this upcoming job search, but also when it come to writing and performing. I was practicing and performing improv just about every week last year, and whenever I would start to overthink a scene I would immediately play it cocky. I would go to my "happy place," pretending that I was in complete control and there was not a doubt in my mind. I knew exactly what was going on, who I was, and what was going to happen. Often it helped me produce some of my best work.

Not to mention, it drives women crazy.

It's something that I'm going to consider the next time that I write stand-up. Not that I need to worry, because I'm already awesome and hilarious to begin with. And, to the 5.84 million Americans currently out of work and looking for a job: fake it til you make it. What have you got to lose?

The Greatest Nation? Suggested Donation.

2009-04-09T18:00:00.006-04:00

This morning I received this transcript of a conversation between my friend and his university librarian:

Me: Good morning. I'd like to pay a fine.

Librarian: Okay. We take check or money order.

Me: Wow. I actually have my checkbook.

Librarian: How much is your fine?

Me: 7 dollars.

Librarian: Oh, you don't want to pay that.

Me: I don't? Why?

Librarian: No. Because it makes no sense.

Me: It doesn't?

Librarian: At the end of every semester we clear all fines less than 25 dollars. So you shouldn't pay a 7 dollar fine.

Me: Huh. Okay.

Nice, right? Of course - the email came just minutes after discovering that a screw-up with automatic deposit had caused my bank account to overdraft. Unlike my friend's forgiving librarian, my bank charged me nearly $100 in fees.

In these tough economic times, isn't it odd how some are cutting everyone a break and others are tightening more than ever?

I've been thinking about this because I'm trying to psych myself up for a visit to the the MoMA and Museum of Natural History. Each museum has what is called a "suggested donation" -- which means that if you're strong enough to endure the passive aggressive looks of contempt then admission is free. Apparently, this donation evasion is a growing trend in New York as more and more New Yorkers have less and less to spend.

Worst case scenario: I may need to pull out the student ID...which, as a student of life, I intend to use until I am a senior citizen.

Shooting in Process

2009-04-08T00:04:00.004-04:00

I lived in a pretty cool apartment back in Chicago. It was tiny, but a fantastic location. So fantastic, in fact, that one morning I walked out into the lobby and bumped into Michael Keaton. He was filming his latest picture in the building across the street and used my lobby as his shooting office.

I'd nearly forgotten about the whole experience, until last Sunday when I finally caught the film's trailer, The Merry Gentleman. "Kind of cool," I thought. "One of those things that happens once in a lifetime."

Then I discovered that, beginning tomorrow, NBC will be shooting a new television show, Mercy, right outside my front door. Not down the block, not across the street - directly outside my door. According to the production company, "the show depicts the story of a nurse who has returned from a medical detail serving in Iraq, and follows her journey as she struggles to re-assimilate into her personal and professional life."

Here's hoping that my apartment was chosen for her re-assimilation to the US and not wartime Iraq.

No More Drama

2009-04-07T17:28:00.004-04:00

The other day I was walking home behind a couple who were fighting. From what I gather, she wanted to move to a new apartment and he didn't think they could afford it.

"Just let me finish," she insisted.

"Fine, say what you were going to say," he snapped.

"You're being an asshole."

"Say what you were going to say! Say it! Say whatever the hell you were going to say!" he screamed.

And then something magical happened. They turned a corner and I kept walking. And within seconds they were gone. In that instant, I was reminded of how great it feels to not have to deal with any of that drama right now.

Sure, I can stay up as late as I want. I can eat, drink, wear, spend, think, say, and do whatever I please. But that is nothing compared to the single greatest perk of being single: No More Drama.

Eulogy for a Razr Phone

2009-04-05T17:26:00.006-04:00

January 2007 - April 2009

Men Without Hats often asked, "Who Can It Be Now?" And whenever they begged that question, I turned to you. Whether times were good or bad - happy or sad - you were right there with me. Of course - no one on the other end of the line could hear us, but I knew where you were.

We made some bad decisions at 2 am and some worse decisions at 3. I screamed at you, laughed at you, sang to you, and dropped you on the ground. You kept me entertained before the other guests arrived at parties and interrupted them to help me escape.

You woke me up each morning by singing "Sweet Caroline" and showed me pictures of mountains, deserts, oceans and incredibly inappropriate friends. You were closer to me than my laptop has ever been -- except when it sits on my lap.

Razr phone, you were a real piece of crap - but you were MY piece of crap. And for that I dedicate this moment of silence (or at least vibration) to you. Farewell, old friend.

John Mulaney's Best Meal Ever

2009-04-04T17:10:00.003-04:00

As I've mentioned before, I'm a big fan of comic John Mulaney. I just watched his "Comedy Central Presents..." and this is one of the funniest stories I've ever heard. I tried to find the video on YouTube, but all I could find were crappy bootlegs so here is the audio from his new CD, "The Top Part."

Check out the audio:
http://www.lala.com/#song/360569505316995848

ER - In Memorium

2009-04-02T23:48:00.007-04:00

A few years ago I had the opportunity to meet actor Anthony Edwards at the Indianapolis 500. While broadcasting live on the air, I told him that I can't remember which occasion I cried more, when his character Goose died in Top Gun or when his character Dr. Mark Greene died on ER.

"Wow," he said, "sounds like you're kind of a pussy."

Yeah - you can't buy memories like that.

Runnin' Down a Dream

2009-03-31T21:50:00.005-04:00

Forgive me for the brevity, but I am physically, creatively, and economically spent. Here are a few highlights from the past few days:

-Today, I finally submitted my application for the This American Life Fall internship. After several days of working on the application questions it feels good to have that off my plate. I'm happy with what I was able to come up with and hope to hear back from them in the next month.

-I had the opportunity to see one of my favorite singers, Diana Krall, perform twice in the last two days. We had her on the show last night (airing Friday) and she was performing at World Financial Center earlier today. In between, I had an opportunity to meet her and listen to her latest album, Quiet Nights, which is terrific. Elvis Costello is a very lucky man.

-On Sunday I wrote some new stand-up material that I'm hoping to perform tomorrow night. I wrote until I ran out of ink in my pen, then switched to marker. Then I wrote until I had filled my notebook and had to write on the back of pages. That's a good sign, right?

-Earlier this afternoon I found a crumpled up wad of money in Times Square. The money was laying on the ground next to a group of twelve-year old girls. I walked up to them and asked if someone had dropped the money. They seemed confused and skeptical. I asked again. That's when one of their mothers came up to me and told me to go away. I explained that I was simply asking if one of them had opened their purse recently and dropped it, but she had seen Law and Order. She knows that New York is a city where malicious criminals try to buy young girls for $2. Yes - of all the Charlie Browns in this city, I am the Charlie Browniest.

-I had the opportunity to see two great shows at UCB. After discussing the Chicago improv scene with the lovely Briana Hansen we saw Reuben Williams perform on Saturday. Then I went with several friends to see the roast of Pete Holmes at Whiplash last night. For a recap of the show, check out The Comic's Comic.

Tough Room

2009-03-28T00:08:00.004-04:00

No matter how hard I scrub, I can't seem to get the stink of this night off my person.

The day started out promising enough. I ventured into the city to attend a volunteer orientation for the Tribeca Film Festival. Learned more about the festival and the various perks of becoming a volunteer. Sound terrific - especially the opportunity to see Woody Allen's latest flick (starring Larry David and Evan Rachel Wood) for FREE. Then I went to a Starbucks in SoHo to write comedy. At one point a man who looked suspiciously like Herbie Hancock walked in. I suppose there is no way to know for sure whether it was him or not -- so we'll just assume that it was.

Finally, I ventured up to another open mic to try out said material. Oddly enough, this was the exact same space that I performed on Wednesday. The difference between the two mics was about 20 people. And by people, I mean comics. And by comics I mean (for the most part) bitter, jaded guys who loathe themselves only slightly more than the jokes they're performing.

It was extremely cold, dark, and dreary. No one seemed happy to be there. In fact, no one seemed happy about much of anything. I've performed for rooms full of comics before. Back in Chicago, I used to love performing upstairs at Schuba's to a room twice the size of that one. This, however, was just a miserable experience.

I think my material was OKay, though I noticed that I'd made far more general observations than punchlines. I'm cutting myself some slack since it's been a while. I know what I need to work on and right now I'm still shaking off some of the cobwebs. I'll go back and listen to it next week.

Fearing this was a typical NY open mic, I asked a buddy of mine how he gets up and does that five nights a week. "You put up with it," he assured me, "because it's fun when you're on stage."

Here's hoping that more experience makes it a lot more fun than tonight.

Back in the Saddle

2009-03-26T12:12:00.004-04:00

Last night, I met up with my good friend Trey. Our goal was to perform at FOUR open mics in one night. Perhaps a little ambitious - especially considering the logistics of traveling in New York City.

The first mic had been canceled. While we made it to the second, we missed our stop on the way to the third, ending up in Brooklyn. By the time we made it back the list was already full, but now we know for next time.

How was the one mic we made? Well - it was - uh - interesting. I suppose it's pretty much what you would expect at any open mic in this city. Little sparse. Lot of empty seats. As far as an audience it was primarily other comics who were nervous as hell to get up on stage. I think we had a total of five comics.

Personally, just getting up on stage was an accomplishment for me. It's been a while and I'm proud that I got up there and performed. Definitely heard some laughter, though I'll have to go back and listen to the set to learn where and when. Trey also recommended I dig deeper and explore one joke that was sort of a throw-away last night.

Once again, I learned a helluva lot about myself and I can't wait to get back up there.

Rain or Shine, All the Time

2009-03-20T01:32:00.003-04:00

I have hit my quota for the Growing Pains theme song. In the past 24 hours I have heard it played three times at two different comedy shows: twice in a trivia contest at Karma and once in a UCB Cagematch where "Kirk Cameron" killed a man with a Bible.

No offense to BJ Thomas and Jennifer Warnes, but I've hit my limit. As you know, there is only one way to get a song out of your head -- and that's to get it in someone else's head:

A thousand pardons, but please do me a favor and click here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=liFmMcmigsQ

Aprons at Karma

2009-03-19T13:16:00.003-04:00

Last night, I went to check out an open mic/trivia night at Karma on the Lower East Side. It was hosted by my friend Diana's group White Apron Productions. I thought these girls were fantastic after seeing them perform commedia dell'arte in January, so I was happy to come hang out at this fundraiser. Besides -- comedy, trivia, beer, and women who sing and dance -- did they plan this show just for me?

It's not the easiest thing in the world for me to get to the Lower East Side, but it feels like an entirely different city. I need to venture down there more often to check out all of the cool bars, restaurants, and performance spaces.

I was also kicking myself the whole way home last night. I should have had material ready to go. There was extra time for anyone who wanted to get up and perform, but the new jokes still aren't ready and it's been so long that I can hardly remember the flow of the old jokes. I could've just told a story, but it's tough to remember the beats and pacing without going through it at least once.

I'm going to see a few more friends in stand-up and improv this weekend - but I also need to use this time to develop a tight few minutes for next week.

It Ain't Easy, But It's Necessary

2009-03-18T15:49:00.002-04:00

And how was YOUR St. Patrick's Day?

Quarter of a Century

2009-03-15T23:28:00.004-04:00

My friend Ryan and I were born on the same day and only a few hours apart. We chose to celebrate this occasion last night with friends, food, and alcoholic beverages. This morning, while recovering from said festivities, he exited his room and made this announcement:

"Attention - I'd like everyone to know that just 19 minutes ago I came out of my mother!" he shouted.

"Oh?" I asked, "What was she doing in there?"

(sigh). Yep. We may be 25 on paper, but I will always have the maturity of a much younger man.

The Killers, Tacos, and Sleepless in Seattle

2009-03-13T16:12:00.003-04:00

Last night, I was involved in a heated discussion with some friends over the nature of blogs, comedy and social networking as it relates to self-identity. It was a long and winding argument that would make no sense out of context. In fact, it barely made sense IN context. However, when listing examples of blogs and blog posts we all tended to use the same three subjects for argument's sake: The Killers, tacos, and Sleepless in Seattle.

Would people, in fact, want to read a blog that posted nothing but opinions of the latest album by The Killers, their love of tacos, or their appreciation of Sleepless in Seattle? Let's find out:

The Killers

While I've never considered myself a true "fan" of The Killers, I've always enjoyed listening to their music. When I worked in radio we would play them several times a day and, unlike much of the music we played, I never got sick of them. I consider them a decent, respectable mainstream rock band. They're not as reliable as Foo Fighters - but they also haven't been around as long. They're like Eli Manning. Maybe someday.

I do not own, and have not heard, their latest album "Day & Age." I thought about downloading it, but that seemed like a long way to go for this post. I did, however, take the liberty of downloading the first single, "Human," and listening to the :30 second previews of the other songs on iTunes. You're welcome.

Pretty good stuff. Not good enough that I want to spend the $11.99 to purchase the whole album -- but if an extra copy had been kicking around the radio station I might procure it and listen to it on my way home. A little glam-pop-rock-ish, but it had a nice beat. Something the kids could dance to.

Tacos

The other day I experienced a Qdoba miracle, which I would like to share with you now.

While dining in my favorite Times Square "Mexican grill," I was approached by the manager. I tend to come in on the weekends during my lunch break, so he recognized me. He informed me that he'd been training some new employees how to make quesadillas and they'd made an extra one. Since I was a regular and he appreciates the business, he wanted to toss one my way.

What's better than a plate full of steak nachos with queso? A FREE chicken quesadilla immediately following those nachos, that's what. Qdoba miracle!

Sleepless in Seattle

When I was a kid my siblings and I were not allowed to watch PG-13 or R rated movies until we were of MPAA approved age. This meant that my VHS collection was full of family-friendly movies like Father of the Bride, Field of Dreams, Groundhog Day, While You Were Sleeping and Sleepless in Seattle. It also means that, to this day, my siblings and I have memorized every word of dialogue in these films.

As an example, at this very moment I will send my younger sister the following text message:

5:04 pm "What about Harold and the bees?"

And now she has just responded to me:

5:06 pm "Harold is allergic to bees."

This week, it was announced that producers are moving forward with a Sleepless in Seattle musical. I am sure no one reading this blog has any intention of purchasing tickets - but should you ever find yourself watching the Broadway adaptation of that 1993 Nora Ephron classic, be sure not to sit anywhere near my siblings. I guaruntee they will recite the lines with people on stage as people in the movie recite the lines with people in An Affair to Remember while I impersonate Rob Reiner impersonating Cary Grant.

A Bridge Too Far

2009-03-11T11:59:00.010-04:00

We are cautioned from a very early age never to burn bridges. You never know where you might find yourself. Who or what you might need. It is a small world, after all. And while I agree with this cliche, from time to time I find myself thinking of "bridge burning" fantasies.

For example, if I knew for a fact that I would never see that person again - what would I say to them? If I were driving a car that was not mine and had no connection to me - where would I park? If I were in a job that I knew I would never need, with people I would never see again -- how would I quit?

Obviously, I would never act on these thoughts. "Bridge burning" aside, we still live in a society of law and order. One might call these simply "revenge" fantasies, but I tend to think of them more as "honesty" fantasies. What would you say if you didn't have to be polite? What if you didn't have to consider how the other person feels? What if you didn't have that little light in your head that warns you to step back, cool off, and consider every angle?

I know an actor who was so sick of being a waiter that he decided to quit. On his last night, a couple came in right before closing and demanded to be served. He served them, but snatched a menu from each of them before tossing it clear across the empty restaurant. For the rest of the evening he was rude, sarcastic, and a bit of a prick to the couple. He released every thought or emotion that he had bottled up from years of grinding his teeth and service with a smile.

It's not a good idea to burn bridges - but wouldn't it be great if you had a free pass once in a while?

OKay, NOT OKay

2009-03-09T10:46:00.004-04:00

OKay: That famous scene from Risky Business when Tom Cruise and Rebecca De Mornay "become intimate" on the El in Chicago.

NOT OKay: The guy sitting across from me on the A train last week who turned that scene into a "monologue." NOT OKay, man! NOT OKay!

Twentysomething Twixters

2009-03-07T21:00:00.005-05:00

"...But I'm still having fun,

And I guess that's the key.

I'm a twentysomething

And I'll keep bein' me..."

-Jamie Cullum

I am loving each and every minute of my job as a "page." It's been a phenomenal experience and I can't wait to get out of bed and into work each morning. Few in this world are fortunate enough to do what they truly love, and I'm still in shock that I am one of those lucky people. Of course, with a birthday on the horizon and having recently passed that half-way mark for my program, I have already begun considering my future.

In junior high and high school, my highest real career aspiration was to work for this television program. What is a man supposed to do when he has already accomplished the goal that he set for himself? Now what?

The next logical step would be to set new goals. I can think of a few dozen things that I still want to do with my life -- but where to begin? I've loved working in radio and television, but until now these have all been internships and starter-jobs. Do I continue chasing internships and jobs that I love or decide that it's finally time to grow up and take on the responsibilities of the real world?

This is the burden faced by many of my generation. So many that psychologists, sociologists, and TIME magazine have branded us "twixters."

"This is the one time of their lives when they're not responsible for anyone else or to anyone else," Arnett says. "So they have this wonderful freedom to really focus on their own lives and work on becoming the kind of person they want to be."

In his view, what looks like incessant, hedonistic play is the twixters' way of trying on jobs and partners and personalities and making sure that when they do settle down, they do it the right way, their way. It's not that they don't take adulthood seriously; they take it so seriously, they're spending years carefully choosing the right path into it.

So we've defined it - what do we do about it? I'd love to sit down and figure that out, but I've got to go meet people for drinks and hedonism. Maybe when I'm older...

New York Dolls

2009-03-05T00:01:00.003-05:00

I was half-way through a Tuscan Pesto Flatbread yesterday in Times Square when this couple from Chicago noticed my DePaul sweatshirt.

"Settle a bet for us," said the man. "She thinks New Yorkers are better looking than people anywhere else in the country."

The woman clarified her position. "I think they're more chic, and yes - better looking. What do you think?"

As for chic, New York is clearly the victor. There are parts of Chicago and Los Angeles that are incredibly chic, but nothing like New York. New York is the only city where women put on heels to pick up milk at the bodega. Similarly, I don't think I've seen more than a dozen women wear sweatpants in the entire time I've lived here. Back in Muncie that was considered "business casual."

That being said - as for attractiveness, New York has a long way to go. Sure, there are beautiful women in this city. I'd guess there are at least three or four on every block. But there are also a lot of women who are - how shall I say - not. They're just not. They're far from it. And the fact of the matter is that the number of women in this city who are not attractive FAR outweigh the number who are.

Attractive women in New York all seem to be from somewhere else. They moved here from much smaller towns to become actresses, singers, or trophy wives on Wall Street. This is why I contend that the overwhelming majority of New York women are just not as attractive as Midwest girls.

New York dolls, prove me wrong. Please. Especially if you're that woman on the A train yesterday afternoon who gave me the wink that made me miss my stop at 34th Street. Tell me you're from the Upper West Side and I'll take it all back ;-)

I Know, You Know

2009-03-04T00:10:00.000-05:00

A few years ago I was part of a morning radio show that featured regular contributions for a celebrity "psychic." Once a month this man would call the studio and take questions from our listening audience. They might ask him about their career, love life, or a deceased relative. Regardless of whether or not the guy was full of crap, we always found it to be a very popular and entertaining segment that consistently lit up the phone board.

One morning, after some consideration, I allowed him to do my reading on the air. He told me that I would soon be leaving Indianapolis for one of the coasts. He then stopped himself by saying that I'd probably end up delaying that move to the coast for a while. I'd take some kind of a detour, but eventually I'd end up on one of the coasts doing something in entertainment.

Clearly, this vision of my future was somewhat vague and ambiguous. It doesn't take a sixth sense to predict that a guy who interns in the entertainment industry might one day move to one of the entertainment capitals of the country. However, he'd made this prediction before I'd decided to move to Chicago to finish school and train at Second City. Four years later (a short detour), I am currently working in New York City for the late-night television show I've idolized since I was a kid.

Let's be clear: I am not saying he's a psychic. All I'm saying is that I'd like to track him down and see what I've got in store for the next ten to twenty years. Just a few stock tips to tide me over. Scale of 1 to 10, how hot is my wife? Is there anything that I should go experience now before we're married? Also - when will it actually be worth it to pay for Cubs season tickets?

Movies That Never Had a Chance

2009-03-03T10:46:00.006-05:00

The other day I was flipping around my DVR and discovered that there are certain movies I can never watch again. Not because they were particularly awful, but because the circumstances surrounding the first time I saw them were so unique that any attempt at repeat viewing ends in nothing but misery.

Bandits - There are things that you should never do drunk. The obvious ones include driving, operating heavy machinery, and procreation. However, going to a movie must also be added to that list. When I was in high school an inebriated friend decided to join me for a movie. Every ten minutes I found myself escorting her to the restroom. It looks like a delightful flick, but whenever it comes on TV I find myself associating it with the smell of wine coolers and vomit.

The Replacements - My father came to pick me up after spending the summer in Boston and asked if there was anything I wanted to do. I had just spent the previous night running around the city with the cast of The Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Really, what is there to do after kissing Julie (the Mormon from Real World: New Orleans) and watching the sunrise from the rooftop with another young lady? I dunno - a movie? I remember thinking to myself, "That's odd. They're showing the credits at the beginning of the movie?" Nope. I'd fallen asleep as soon as the lights went down. He'd just paid $7.50 for my air-conditioned nap.

Zoolander - This was the first and only bootleg video that I have ever purchased. Why? Because it was nothing more than a blank tape. Here I am trying to watch an illegally recorded movie that had just come out in theaters and the guy doesn't even have the decency to sell me a video that he recorded with a handheld camcorder. The nerve of some people!

Bring It On - This was a movie about cheerleaders. Which I saw with a very attractive cheerleader. I don't think I looked at the screen more than two or three times - but she seemed to enjoy it. If only there were some salacious story to brag about here, but it was virtually all strategy with limited payoff. In short: this movie will always be associated with frustration.

Down to Earth - The exact opposite of the last one. There was only one seat left in this small theater and it was directly between the wall and a woman breastfeeding a very hungry, hungry infant. Sorry, Chris Rock - all that I remember is wanting to leave.

Slip Away

2009-03-01T14:04:00.003-05:00

When in the course of human events we become consumed with work, travel, and our own self-interest - it becomes increasingly probable that we might lose touch with those who were once close with us. There are only so many hours in a day and so many "anytime minutes" on the average cell phone plan. This is unfortunate, but an inevitable part of the human condition.

One afternoon I was sitting in class at Ball State when my kindergarten girlfriend, Nikki, sat down next to me. Talk about a blast from the past! It had been years since we'd spoken! I wondered to myself, "Why had it been so long?" Then she reminded me: when I was five years old I dumped her for the new girl in school, Nicole. Nicole moved away the next year, so by the time and I tried to go back to Nikki it was too late. Nikki wanted nothing to do with me. And neither did the other Nicoles, Nicolettes, or the only Nikita who had heard what I'd done.

Now, I hardly think that I can be held accountable for possessing the romantic ineptitude and emotional maturity of a five year old. After all, I was a five year old. But I'm also sure that in the past twenty years I have made similar mistakes, misjudgements, and acts of accidental cruelty. For whatever reason I have allowed certain relationships to drift from "friend" to "acquaintance" to "guy that I saw that one time when I went to pick-up dinner"all the way down to "Facebook friend" -- the lowest common denominator of friendship.

So consider this blog a call to action. Why not take the next five minutes to reach out to someone you've lost touch with? See what they've been doing with their life - and not just where they work on LinkedIn. Maybe it won't change your life, but maybe it will make you smile. And, especially if it's me, I'll bet they'd love to hear from ya'.

Real Men of Genius

2009-02-28T22:17:00.003-05:00

Bud Light presents: Real Men of Genius

Real Men of Genius

Today we salute you, resident of Jersey City who left his keys at the office.

Resident of Jersey City Who Left His Keys at the Office

After a long, hard day of work in New York City - you walk all the way down to the PATH trains at 34th Street to save yourself some cash.

Easily two dollars

Once in Jersey, you decide to pick up some groceries. Frozen meals on sale? You'll take three.

And a pack of frozen Dibs for after

But wait. Where did you put your...

Check your other pockets

Damn. Maybe they're in the shirt pocket.

Would you ever really put them up there?

Well no, but...

Just FACE the fact, brother.

Mere inches away from a place to relax and refrigerate - it will take at least two hours to get there and back on a Saturday night.

Probably should've charged your iPod

So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, resident of Jersey City. That is, once you can finally get back into your apartment.

Resident of Jersey City Who Left His Keys at the Office

How to Save a Life

2009-02-26T20:53:00.005-05:00

Please, don't call me a hero. Is it flattering? Yes. Well-deserved? Probably. But I'm really just a man. A man who is capable of extraordinarily heroic things. A man with the knowledge and abilities to rise up to any occasion and perform his heroic duties at a moment's notice. A heroic hero who heroically battles harrowing situations through his superior wit, guile, and herosity. If that's what a hero means to you - then I don't have time to argue with you. I've got lives to save.

Yesterday, several of my coworkers and I went through training and certification in First Aid, CPR and AED. This came just weeks after my certification as a New York City Fire Guard. What does this mean? It means I can save the crap out of your life.

I'm going to take a shot in the dark here and assume that YOU are NOT certified in these things. Well - here's a little scenario: I'm performing stand-up comedy and a man in the audience is laughing so hard that he splits his sides. I jump off the stage and right into action. Even though just seconds before I was up there SPLITTING those side, the second I jump off that stage my experience and certification goes into action faster than Doc Graham's in Field of Dreams. The same goes for gut-busting, knee-slapping and charlie horse -- I can handle them all.

And don't bother thanking me when I save your life. It's just part of the job. The fact that you're still alive is thanks enough. However, when you still feel like you must do more - a nice, warm hug will do just fine. And when you insist that a hug is not enough - which, it won't be - then know that I enjoy a nice peppercorn steak cooked medium well, exotic vacations, and would like you to name your first-born child Michael.

Now, I'm going to log onto Facebook and see if my social equal Captain Sully needs anything.

Show and Tell

2009-02-25T10:02:00.004-05:00

Here are some links to articles and video that I can't get enough of:

-All ten episodes of Rob Corddry's Children's Hospital are now available online. It's like Grey's Anatomy meets "something entertaining" and "not safe for work": http://www.thewb.com/shows/childrens-hospital/episode-1/507a47889e

-The folks at Gawker noticed something odd about Bobby Jindal's response last night. Now that I've seen it I can't get it out of my head: http://gawker.com/5159908/bobby-jindal-channels-kenneth-the-page-in-gop-response

-It looks like Andy Richter will be the next announcer on The Tonight Show...which means that the show will be critically acclaimed and a commercial flop:

http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/b101432_conan_andy_back_together_tonight.html

-Here's Louis CK talking about taking things for granted on Conan: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LoGYx35ypus

-Finally, Michael Cera has signed on for the Arrested Development movie:

http://gawker.com/5159778/bullied-michael-cera-finally-signs-onto-arrested-development-movie

The Yellow Legal Pad of Truth

2009-02-24T19:59:00.004-05:00

At this very moment there is a yellow legal pad sitting on my kitchen table. I've been filling it with ideas for stand-up. Some are funny and some have potential. The only problem is that they're all very personal.

As a connoisseur of stand-up comedy, I've always identified more with personal material. I love hearing comics like Steven Wright, Mitch Hedberg and Demetri Martin perform short, concise jokes - but still feel like I'm more of a storyteller like Mike Birbiglia. As I'm sure you can tell from this blog, I love sharing my personal experiences and thoughts with the rest of the world.

If a comic tells a "joke" there is very little connection. If it works he'll do it again, if not the audience is basically saying, "Yeah, we don't like that." But if a comic is on stage talking about a very personal experience and no one reacts - they're saying, "Yeah, we don't like YOU."

I'm sure it's something that will become more natural with time, but at the moment I'm looking at this material and seeing it through the eyes of strangers. I'm wondering if they'd rather hear about my life or another batch of dick and fart jokes. If the stories don't work, do I jump right into the dick and fart jokes? How many dick and fart jokes should I have in case of emergency?

I could always go for a combination of the two, but I've got very few personal stories about dicks and/or farts. I suppose that means I've got some more living to do. Until then, I think I'm going to try and stick with what I've got.

And the Oscar goes to...

2009-02-22T12:09:00.004-05:00

Let me tell you two words that this post will not contain: "popcorn" and "soda." I can't even think about the words, let alone consume these concession stand products. That's because my friends and I spent a solid sixteen hours at AMC Empire 25 yesterday watching all FIVE of the nominees for Best Picture. That's right, sixteen hours without leaving the movie theater.

This marks the third year in a row that my friend Eric and I have completed the feat, but the first here in New York City. In Chicago, we used to run down to the Lucky Strike to grab real food or a few drinks between films. If we'd both already seen a flick, we might sit that one out and leave our coats on the seat. Due to the inconvenient location of this Times Square cinema and number of people in our group (8) it wasn't really conducive this year. So, I stayed in the theater the entire time as we watched Milk, The Reader, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Slumdog Millionaire, and Frost/Nixon.

You might think to yourself - isn't that draining to go from gay rights, to holocaust, to epic saga, to the slums of India, and top it all off with Tricky Dick. To answer your question: yes.

Milk

I'm going to call it now: this year's "I drink your milkshake" will be, "I'm Harvey Milk, and I'm here to recruit you."

Sean Penn was terrific in this biopic of gay rights activist and San Francisco politician Harvey Milk. I didn't know much about Milk before seeing the film, but enjoyed the amazing performances by the supporting cast. There were clearly a lot of obvious connections between Proposition 6 and the recent Proposition 8 passed in California that make the film as relevant as ever.

It was good, I was just hoping for a little bit more. I actually found myself more interested in the lives of those around Harvey than the main character himself. Maybe they should make a television show about the rest of his administration. Kind of like a gay West Wing.

I also really had to go to the bathroom half way through the film. Since I already knew how it would end, I found myself hoping that each foreshadowing event was the actual event taking place. Which, if you've seen the film, you know that this makes me a horrible person.

The Reader

Kate Winslet is a beautiful woman. I've thought so ever since Leo sketched her in Titanic. And this was a very interesting story about a young boy and older woman in Germany before and after the Holocaust.

Incredibly well-written, with it's greatest strength being the ability to balance the complicated issues of our past. Unlike similar films this year that I considered "Tom Cruise v. the Nazis" or "James Bond v. the Nazis" - this film examined much deeper, complicated issues in a difficult way.

Like The Queen two years ago, I would probably never have seen this film had it not been up for Best Picture. Unlike The Queen, I have absolutely no desire to see it again.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

This was the only flick that I had already seen going into the movie marathon. As you may have heard, it's a movie about a man who is born old and grows younger as he goes though life. Still confused? It's a lot like Forrest Gump or Big Fish. One man's incredibly journey through life. The film was adapted from a short story by F. Scott Fitzgerald, but apparently originally conceived by Tom Sawyer.

I really enjoyed this film. I thought I might like it, but I ended up really loving it. For some reason, it has been evoking strong reactions one way or the other. I thought it was a beautiful story, amazing performances, and incredibly well made. Directed by David Fincher, the entire thing was beautiful to look at. If you're going to see it, see it on the big screen first.

There were a few scenes in the middle that actually made us swoon. Either Brad Pitt is a very handsome fellow, or Milk got to me in ways for which I had not prepared.

Slumdog Millionaire

Did you hear that this will win the Oscar? Rumor has it, this will win the Oscar. Apparently, Slumdog Millionaire will probably win the Oscar for Best Picture. Oh, and the Best Picture winner this year will probably be Slumdog.

That's been the buzz on the street for weeks. And to that I say: nah.

It was fine. There were exciting parts. There were interesting things to look at. There was an inspirational story about a poor man's attempt to win riches and the love of a beautiful woman. But Best Picture? Seriously? That's ridiculous.

Tell me it was brilliant. Fine. Tell me it relied on the archetypes of traditional Bollywood cinema while bringing an American edge and sensibility. Whatever. I'm just mad because everyone told me this film would blow me away. Instead, I found myself wanting to watch a syndicated episode of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

True, this was the fourth film in a series of five. And true, I may have been cranky at this point. AND I'll give you that the bar may have been set too high in the first place. However, I feel that this film was incredibly overrated and I'll be bummed if it wins Best Picture.

Frost/Nixon

I really thought this one was going to be a home run. An exciting, political thriller about the interview that put Nixon on trial. And it was good. It was interesting to watch. There were some terrific performances. It just wasn't half as FUN as I thought it would be.

Remember the final third of A Few Good Men when Tom Cruise is gearing up to put Nicholson on the hot seat? It's Cruise, Demi Moore, and Kevin Pollack. They're strategizing. They're coming up with arguments. He's pacing around the apartment with a baseball bat trying to see what he can get away with and what he can't. It's exciting. THAT is what I thought it was going to be.

Instead, Oliver Platt and Sam Rockwell just sit around being kind of pissy. They keep telling Frost they are upset, but he doesn't even get into the game until a few minutes before the end of the film.

I realize that you can't rewrite history to fit the Hollywood narrative, but I found myself just frustrated with the entire experience. Maybe I'm too young and Nixon is not my white whale. Maybe I'm frustrated because Bush or Cheney will never sit down and give up the same candor. Either way, I was a little let down by this flick.

And the Academy Award for "Mike's Best Picture" goes to: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

PS - Interesting bit of trivia, each of the five films nominated for Best Picture feature male nudity. True fact.

Whoa, We're Halfway There

2009-02-19T10:48:00.006-05:00

Well, since we don't tape on Fridays and will be "dark" next week - I am officially half way through the Late Show Page program. It's been a remarkable experience and cannot begin to describe how much fun I'm having.

The job is 10% work and 90% acting like a complete goofball in front of 461 people each night. We sing, dance, and come up with new games to keep audience members (and ourselves) entertained each week. The job basically requires me to run around and have fun while convincing others to do the same. Is there a better job in the entire world?

My coworkers are absolutely amazing. The girls are sweethearts and the guys are all hilarious. Even the ones who have already left the program remain some of my closest New York friends. The great thing about knowing my time at the show is finite is that I'm making each and every day count. I know and appreciate that I'm half way through one of the greatest job experiences I will ever have.

The other day it occurred to me that I've been laughing out loud lately. Not just a little, I mean at everything. You may not think anything of that, but it's actually one of the reasons I knew it was time to leave Chicago. One day, while riding the Clark bus, I realized that I had not laughed out loud in weeks (possibly a month). That's a pretty big red-flag for someone in my line of work, so I'm incredibly grateful that the opposite is true today.

When we come back in March the entire landscape of late-night television will have shifted - and I can't wait to get back to work.

This Week in Frank Whaley

2009-02-18T19:26:00.006-05:00

Each and every week, I receive thousands of emails, texts, and phone calls about the whereabouts of actor Frank Whaley. "Where is he? Have you seen him lately? What's he been up to?" Relax, people. I will address your concerns in this blog posting -- but that's the last I'll speak of it until next week's edition.

Actor Frank Waley, who bursts off the screen with minor roles in Born on the Fourth of July, The Doors, Field of Dreams, Pulp Fiction, JFK, Red Dragon, The Freshman, Broken Arrow, The Pursuit of Happiness and Swing Kids was most recently seen entering a subway terminal at 53rd and Broadway.

This has been "This Week in Frank Whaley." Thank you.

The Middle Way

2009-02-17T20:41:00.005-05:00

Last night, I went down to UCB Theater with some coworkers to check out Leo Allen's Whiplash. In addition to the comics on the bill, the show featured surprise appearances by comedians Nick Kroll and Todd Barry. Barry has always been a personal favorite, and was just as funny as ever. In fact, they were all pretty funny last night - with one possible exception.

The three guys that I came to the show with are also comedy writers/performers. We're a fairly diverse group with our own preferences and aversions when it comes to what we think is funny, so I knew there would be a post-Whiplash debate today at work. Sure enough, the better part of our day talking about was John Mulaney. And we all agreed...the guy killed.

Every joke had us laughing out loud, and when you can make a group of bitter, jaded New York comedians laugh it's all the more impressive. The guy writes for Saturday Night Live and he's only 26! In fact, our only launch point for discussion was whether or not he had the "edge" to gain a cult following. Some feel that he is too safe, others think his versatility is a strength.

Which makes you think - is it better to be well respected by a few or appreciated by the general audiences? As a former coworker once told me, "We all want to be Zach Galifianakis, but the guy selling millions of records worldwide is Larry the Cable Guy."

My advice: aim for the middle way, John.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ys_Hi8nV7yM

New Things I Dig About NYC

2009-02-16T10:50:00.008-05:00

-Free Monday night shows at UCB Theater. Last week, I saw Zach Galifianakis, Kristen Schall, and Eugene Mirman. Tonight is Paul F. Tompkins and John Mulaney. Kind of a hipster crowd last week, but what do you expect with $2 PBR?

-U2 Week at The Late Show. The band will be playing each night of the week to promote their latest album beginning March 2nd. A Late Show first!

-Yum Yum Bangkok. What's in a name? In this case, a description of a terrific thai place around the corner in Hell's Kitchen.

-Work. I spend the better part of my day singing, dancing, and jumping around like a total idiot for nearly 500 people each night. After six months, I'm having more fun than ever. It's fantastic and I'm savoring each and every minute of it.

-Belonging. Over the weekend I overheard a couple from Chicago tell me they got lost on "the blue line." No, Chicagoains. You were lost on the A, C, E. Welcome to New York!

Best Romantic Comedies of All Time (not featuring Matthew McConaughey)

2009-02-14T13:57:00.011-05:00

I have seen my fair share of romantic comedies. In fact, I've seen more than most people's fair shares. As you know, they each follow the same, tired formula:

Boy meets girl. Boy loses girl. Boy gets girl back.

Sure, they may dress it up with clever plot devices, cynical sidekicks and the occasional Louis Armstrong song (I'm talking to YOU, Nora Ephron) - but it's all the inherent formula that has worked since the beginning of Rom-Com time.

My personal favorites are no different in that respect. Upon analysis, they don't stray far from that tired, cliche formula. However, these films are great because they don't seem like romantic comedies. In fact, you can't really tell until after you've finished them and thought about it a little bit. Like medicine with a spoonful of sugar, only in this case the sugar is screenwriter Charlie Kaufman.

Without further ado - here are my picks for the best romantic comedies of all time:

THE APARTMENT (1960)

I've written numerous academic papers about the films of Billy Wilder and have come to discover that this is the ONLY Wilder film that I have to sit down and watch any time that it's on. Jack Lemmon plays C.C. Baxter, a good man who takes a lot of crap in his efforts to move up the corporate ladder. Baxter's colleagues promote him under the condition that he allow them to use his apartment for their extramarital affairs. You've got amazing performances by Lemmon, Shirley MacLaine, and Fred MacMurray - but the true brilliance lies in the script. Wilder finds ways to make incredibly dark moments very sweet and romantic, a technique that inspired Cameron Crowe to do the same in films like Almost Famous. Very funny film with virtually no schmaltz and a fantastic ending.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x356ll3hTxg

ANNIE HALL (1977)

You rarely hear the word "innovative" to describe a romantic comedy, but in this case I feel that it's deserved. Woody Allen takes the genre to new and exciting places in this film about a New York comedian (Allen) who falls for a singer named Annie (Diane Keaton). It's a very enjoyable little film, but the best part is the fun that Allen has with the filmmaking process. The character has a loose narration that allows him to speak directly to the audience, play himself as a child, jump back in time, animate a conversation, or show the audience what each character is really thinking while awkwardly chatting with members of the opposite sex. Every romantic comedy that you've seen since this film was created was inspired by it in some way. And, again, a fantastic ending.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qnEIcD81cjI

ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND (2004)

This is one of those movies that knocked me on my ass. I'd been a fan of screenwriter Charlie Kaufman since Being John Malcovich and Adaptation, but this film really blew me away. It's a simple story about a man who tries to erase the memories of a relationship gone wrong. And by simple, I mean it's one of the most complicated films I have ever seen. It was beautifully shot by filmmaker Michel Gondry who somehow manages to make sense out of the seemingly nonsensical. I really just can't say enough about how great it is. I'm not a huge fan of "zany" Jim Carrey, but I think he does a phenomenal job in this film. I don't think anyone else could've played this part. Of course, you've also got the beautiful Kate Winslet and a cavalcade of supporting characters who provide laughs along the way. If you go in looking for a romantic comedy you'll be disappointed - but if you're patient and give it a chance you'll find that it's really a very weird and wonderful film.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2u30SAC0LLI

Say It In Six

2009-02-13T10:00:00.009-05:00

In my writing classes at Second City and ImprovOlympic, I was always told to use an economy of words. Cut the bull and stick with the bare essentials. How succinctly can you say what you're trying to say? Legend has it Ernest Hemingway once won a bet that he could write a poem using only six words by penning, “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.”

This challenge has become the inspiration for a new book entitled, "Six Word Memoirs on Love and Heartbreak." The NYTimes City Blog posted a few examples from the book and challenged their readers to come up with some of their own.

Erica Jong, author: “Much married, fourth time is charmed.”

Ben Karlin, former executive producer of “The Daily Show”: “Canadian girlfriend was real — dumped me.”

Raoul Felder, divorce lawyer: “Love almost always leads to heartbreak.”

Marc Ecko, designer: “It never hurt as good again.”

Jonathan Ames: “It’s like my heart has sciatica.”

Julie Klam, writer: “Hired me. Fired me. Married me.”

Esther Newberg, literary agent: “He told me he was single.”

Lynn Harris, writer: “Engaged in Jerusalem. Thank you, God.”

Pretty interesting idea, huh? It's just a bummer that the editors weren't able to get more popular celebrities to contribute to the book. I mean, I'm no Ernest Hemingway but I'd be happy to ghost-write a few.

Barack Obama, President: "True love at first fist bump."

Taylor Swift, singer: "Incoming text message. Outgoing Love Story."

Jessica Simpson, singer: "Reality TV. America's jinx. When's lunch?"

Ashton Kutcher, actor: "Age and Bruce Willis are relative."

Madonna, singer: "Ditched Guy for peanuts, Cracker Jacks."

Kevin Federline, dancer: "Yeah, I don't remember me either."

Justin Timberake, singer: "Cried river. Put dick in box."

Tom Brady, athlete: "Left pregnant hottie for hotter hottie."

Bar Rafaeli, model: "That Late Show Page was sexy."

John Mayer, singer: "Thanks to opening act Adam Duritz"

Rihanna, singer: "He's just not that into me."

Feel free to post any poems of your own in the Comments section. I may not have the same readership as the NYTimes, but I'm also not bound by journalistic integrity.

Wednesday Evening Coming Down

2009-02-12T00:31:00.004-05:00

Remember Walk the Line? I love that movie. It's one of my all-time favorite films, namely for the remarkable performance of Joaquin Phoenix. The guy absolutely captured Johnny Cash. Beautifully shot, terrific music, and a remarkable love story.

Now imagine that movie if you took out all the music and the love story. And instead of a film it took place on the set of a late-night talk show. Remember Cash right before June Carter stepped in and saved him? I'm not going to say that Phoenix was going through the same thing tonight - but it doesn't look too far off...

Joaquin Phoenix on The Late Show with David Letterman last night:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HXpYk7WGN5Y

If it was "real" then I hope he gets some help. Personally, I think it was all a hoax. Time will tell. Now, on to more important issues - like the debate over this giant billboard just revealed at 53rd and Broadway. I'm going to go with "real" and "spectacular":

Virus Protection

2009-02-11T22:25:00.005-05:00

So, you've got the t-shirt that shows you "heart" New York. You've eaten cupcakes on the Sex and the City bus tour. You walked through Central Park and spit off the top of the Empire State Building. But what are you going to take home to your friends in middle America to show them that you've really experienced New York City?

Presenting: The New York City Condom

Your good friends at the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene (yes, Mental Hygiene) have created this trendy little item to promote safe sex among New Yorkers. They're cheap, fashionable, and spreading faster than...something they're made to prevent from spreading.

The organization's Facebook page even allows you to send your friends something called "e-condoms." Why? Because regular condoms are old school, gramps! Today's sexually active population needs prophylactics that speak to their generation. For example, when applied properly, these condoms each hold 1,300 songs.

I'm just glad they're keeping it an all-encompassing New York City condom. Can you imagine if they broke it down into neighborhoods and boroughs?

"It was such a romantic evening until he pulled the condom out of his wallet and started shouting BENSONHURST! BENSONHURST!"

I May Be Crazy

2009-02-10T01:44:00.008-05:00

You may be right. I may be crazy. But I'm fairly confident that Billy Joel is a conductor on the New York/New Jersey PATH system.

Don't ask me why, but several nights a week this conductor/doppelganger takes us beneath the Hudson River of dreams while humming the chorus to "Captain Jack." And each time I want to ask him, "Man, what are you doing here?" And, also, Scenes from an Italian Restaurant.

On This Day in History

2009-02-09T01:15:00.006-05:00

On this date in 1964, an audience full of screaming, psychotic teenagers and 73 million Americans tuned in to watch The Beatles perform live on The Ed Sullivan Show. Back then the theater held just over 700 people, but CBS had over 50,000 requests for tickets. The streets of New York were so crowded with fans that these "young lads from Liverpool" could barely make it into the building at 53rd and Broadway.

Many consider this performance to be one of THE most significant moments in pop culture history and I can't tell you how excited I am to be there on the 45 year anniversary.

Here is footage of their first US visit (from JFK airport til the show):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYciRQDkYD4

And here is their infamous performance:

http://video.google.com/videosearch?hl=en&q=beatles%20ed%20sullivan%20show%201964&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&tab=wv#

My Favorite Year

2009-02-08T22:36:00.004-05:00

I was late in the game to Chinese food. Sure, I was aware of it as a kid. My parents would pick some up from time to time, but I never had any interest. I don't remember eating it until high school. Even then, not with any real consistency until college and beyond. I can't really explain why - I suppose I just hadn't gotten around to it.

My Favorite Year was the same way. I had a VHS copy sitting in my Chicago apartment for over six months. Every time I walked into the apartment I would see it sitting on my table. The movie was highly recommended to me and I wanted to watch it. It's just that I either didn't have the time or the circumstances weren't right. Like podcasts, magazines, or cleaning your microwave -- you'll get to it when you have more time.

Turner Classic Movies was showing the flick this month and I finally got around to watching it over the weekend. I must say, it was pretty enjoyable little film. I'm wishing I'd seen it months ago. My Favorite Year is about a young comedy writer's experiences working for a late-night show in New York (Who on earth would think I'd like this film?). The film is loosely based on Mel Brooks' experience of writing for Sid Caeser's Your Show of Shows with legends like Neil Simon, Woody Allen, Larry Gelbart and Carl Reiner. Terrific performances by a drunken Peter O'Toole, quick-witted Mark Linn-Baker and Caeser-esque Joe Bologna.

So don't put off til tomorrow movies that could be watched today.

Make It Someplace You Like

2009-02-06T18:10:00.012-05:00

Congratulations! That young, attractive woman has agreed to go on a date with you. Oh, the fun and good times you will have. But wait - where the f#$% are you going to take her? No worries! The people at Zagat have come up with a new guidebook that tells you where to date (or dump) that special someone. They've also surveyed the dating lives of more than 2,000 New Yorkers and discovered somewhat interesting statistics about sex in the city:

New Yorkers are more likely to date outside their nationality (85%), income bracket (85%), religion (82%), age group (80%), race (67%) or education level (67%) than outside their political party (65%).

19% of New Yorkers surveyed refuse to say they love their partner unless the other one says it first.

27% say they've dumped someone via e-mail, 11% by voicemail, and 10% by text message.

2% say that when a relationship ends, they burn their ex's possessions. Another 2% say they sell the crap on eBay.

54% say they would not date someone outside the NYC metro area.

25% say they've had success meeting someone online, but only 1% say they've met someone special at the gym.

32% say would gladly snoop into his/her e-mail if there was absolutely no chance of getting caught. 21% would snoop in the bank statement, and 31% would read a diary.

To be perfectly honest, I don't know why anyone would waste their time with a book like this. You can't figure out where to take a woman? As with all great questions in life, the answer can be found in a classic episode of Aaron Sorkin's Sports Night:

"Make it someplace that you like. Restaurants - they don't impress women as much as we think they do, and food always tastes good on the first date. You're not in Vegas, and you're not in L.A. - you are in the most magnificent city in the world - it's the city of Gershwin and Cole Porter, Damon Runyon and Fiorello LaGuardia. Surprise her, but make her feel comfortable. Make it different, but make her feel at home. But mostly, make it someplace that you like."

Just Another Guy with Food on His Mind

2009-02-04T21:57:00.004-05:00

What do women want? The question has baffled men through the ages. From Sigmund Freud to Mel Gibson -- no man seems to know. Most of the time I don't even think THEY know. And yet, women never ask what men want. Why is this? Because they already know. And one of those things is food.

There was an exciting football game on television last Sunday, but it paled in comparison to the delicious banana bread and chocolate football-shaped cake that I experienced a few hours before the game. It was so delicious that I promised one of the lovely women I would hire her as my personal chef. The other one was promised a marriage proposal. What can I say? They knew the way to my heart. And people have gotten married for far dumber reasons.

Perhaps I've been living in the city too long. Small kitchens like the one that I had in Chicago really encourage dining out. In both Chicago and New York I am surrounded by an abundance of take-out, fast food and tiny supermarkets full of microwavable delicacies. A home cooked meal is rare. Even when one is called for, my cooking abilities are limited.

That's why it's a special treat when someone cooks for you. It means that they took the time to prepare something in spite of tiny kitchens, lengthy commutes and the knowledge that they'd have to clean the Tupperware. It's really very charming and adorable. Makes you feel all warm inside.

I don't know if it works both ways for men and women - but if it does then my little brother is a f-ing genius. He's an aspiring chef with the culinary skills of a man three times his age. Over Christmas break he was cooking up a storm. I asked him where he found the recipes and he looked at me like I was a complete moron. "What do you mean? I just thought about it and cooked it."

Guess what ladies - he's 14 and single ;-)

Endorsement: Lyle Lovett and John Hiatt

2009-02-03T22:34:00.007-05:00

I am so screwed.

Don't worry - nothing bad has happened. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I'm actually very happy. Too happy. Know what I mean? The kind of happy where something dark and ominous is surely lurking around the corner. If I were a television character, I'd be tying up loose ends and giving a somewhat poignant monologue about the beauty of life before spilling ice cream in the car and accidentally swerving into oncoming traffic. This is because TV and movies have taught me that we are not designed to feel this good about our lives. Fate will always be there to provide us with a swift kick in the ass.

I could cite the sources of my happiness, but no one wants to read all that. For now, I'll just give you one: Lyle Lovett and John Hiatt.

They're two of the "most played" artists on my iPod and tomorrow night they'll be making a special appearance on The Late Show. Since I was sixteen years old, Sunday mornings have not been complete without music from at least one of these gentlemen. I've seen Lyle twice, but have yet to see John Hiatt perform live. It's always been a dream and tomorrow it'll come true.

In my humble opinion Lyle Lovett: Live in Texas is the best live album of all time. Such fun and humor (She's No Lady, Here I Am, Church) mixed with beautiful acoustic songs (If I Had a Boat, Nobody Knows Me, North Dakota). It's just fantastic, and if you disagree then you're wrong.

Similarly, John Hiatt's Same Old Man was the best disc of 2008. Hiatt has a terrific voice and very clever lyrics - so do yourself a favor and start with "Our Time." For those unfamiliar with the Hoosier native be sure to go back and check out Beneath This Gruff Exterior or discover how many of his songs you already love with The Best of John Hiatt.

Alright, time to go to sleep and pretend that I'm not living the dream.

Someone Alert Hair and Wardrobe

2009-02-02T23:55:00.004-05:00

Set your DVR's for tomorrow evening, folks. Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich will make a very special appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman. In honor of the momentous occasion I'd also recommend checking out this collection of The 9 Most Hilariously Awkward Letterman Interviews (Who knows - maybe tomorrow's show will give them one more for a Top Ten).

As a reminder, tickets for the show are free - so if Governor Blagojevich tries to sell you a seat that is f-ing golden...

This Time It's Personal

2009-01-31T00:47:00.007-05:00

I had an instructor at Second City who insisted that we draw on personal experiences in the characters and material we produce. He argued that if he did not know everything about us by the time we left that stage we were not fully trusting and committing ourselves to the ensemble. From the street we grew up on to our most recent sexual experience - it was all supposed to come out in the work of our ensemble.

This method of producing material has always been incredibly appealing to me, because as a writer/performer I love to tell stories about my personal life. What's more fun than living your life like an open book? If something goes well then it's terrific. If it goes horribly wrong then it will make for a terrific story/content. Either way you get the experience out of your system and turn it into something positive.

As the person producing this material, I see no downside. Of course - as an audience member, it's another story.

Watching material from someone else's personal life can be a very uncomfortable experience. I know a woman who produced an entire show about an ex-boyfriend who screwed her over. We've all seen stand-up comics who seem to use the medium as a form of therapy more than entertainment. The jokes that don't seem to have a punch line as much as a personal message of hurt or hatred. The songs that aren't so much funny as they are painful and miserable. The essays or articles that are intended for general audiences but could only really apply to one specific person. Even if it's not a place of pain - it's awkward if you know the person they are talking about.

There's a young Chicago athlete named Delilah DiCrescenzo who was unable to turn on a radio, walk into a department store, or even watch television without a constant reminder of a guy she used to know. He liked her and things didn't really work out...so he turned his unrequited love into a song called "Hey There, Delilah" and the rest was schadenfreude. Every time I hear that song I think how much it must suck for that girl. Or for Dave Coulier every time he hears "You Oughta Know."

So is it good to draw from your personal life, or important to distinguish the two? I suppose it all depends on the situation. I just hope I'm never in a coffee shop listening to some woman sing about what it's like in New York City while insisting that tonight, I look so pretty.

Looking for a Smile?

2009-01-30T13:02:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, I was on my way up to work at the Ed Sullivan Theater while listening to the most recent episode of This American Life on my iPod. Act One of this week's episode actually centered on an old vaudeville couple who got their big break performing at the theater nearly 45 years ago. Extremely funny, and not just because I work there. If you have a few minutes I'd highly recommend it. Guaranteed to make you smile.

This American Life - My Big Break

Charlie Brill and Mitzi McCall were a comedy duo back in the mid-1960s, playing clubs around Los Angeles, when their agent called to tell them he'd landed them the gig of a lifetime: They were going to be on The Ed Sullivan Show. The only problem was that their performance was a total fiasco, for a bunch of reasons, including one they never saw coming. David Segal of The New York Times reports. (18 minutes)

Listen for free: http://www.thisamericanlife.org/Radio_Episode.aspx?episode=281

Screaming at the Television

2009-01-29T00:09:00.001-05:00

I was standing on a corner in Times Square earlier today - as a wintry mix fell upon the city -when actor John Larroquette walked by. I froze and politely smiled. I love that guy! Of course, he is instantly recognizable for his role on Night Court, Lionel Tribbey on The West Wing and in a few dozen movies...but in my mind he will always be "Joey" from a few guest stints on The Practice. The one thing that I loved about that show (more than Lara Flynn Boyle) was how the end of his episodes always left me screaming at the television.

"NO! What? He got away with it?!? WHAT!?!"

"OH MY GOD! NO F-ING WAY!"

"I KNEW IT! AAAGH, I KNEW IT!"

Which brings me to my point: Damages has got to be one of the best television shows that I have ever seen. It's absolutely fantastic. Every episode is so complicated, twisted and exciting that there is no way to know where it's headed. Just when you think you've got it all figured out -- you're knocked on your ass and headed for a preview of next week.

I caught the first season during an FX marathon while I was setting up my apartment and Season 2 has had me ever since. The inclusion of William Hurt, Marcia Gay Harden and Timothy Olyphant makes it even better than I could've imagined. And while part of me secretly hopes that Hurt and Glenn Close will dance in a kitchen to Motown while putting away the dishes (a la The Big Chill), another part of me knows that he's just too evil for The Temptations. Or maybe she is. Or maybe neither is. Or both are. God, I love this show!

We're only four episodes into the season, so might I suggest one possible direction for the writers: hang out with me in Times Square and see if you can get Mr. Larroquette to make a special appearance as a demented serial killer.

What You Like, Not What You Are Like

2009-01-28T00:04:00.005-05:00

"What really matters is what you like, not what you are like. Books, records, films -- these things matter. Call me shallow. It's the fucking truth."

-High Fidelity

My Top Five Comedy Movies

1) Swingers (1996) - This is the movie that initially made me want to write comedy. After watching the following clip in a Screenwriting workshop at Boston University, I determined that I wanted to create scenes like this for the rest of my life. Funny, brutal and incredibly truthful -- it's something I have strived for ever since: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u0PUrNwvvBk&feature=related

2) The Jerk (1979) - I was raised on this movie and was quoting it before I was old enough to understand what I was saying. Steve Martin is a genius and this is one of his very best performances. The perfect blend of smart and silly. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RhLzuNvgP58

3) Broadcast News (1987) - Tough to pick my favorite Albert Brooks movie, but this one has so many scenes that stand out in my mind that I had to go with it over Defending Your Life, Modern Romance, or Mother. William Hurt and Holly Hunter were fantastic and every supporting actor or actress is amazing. Too many scenes to reference, but here's a favorite. http://www.hulu.com/watch/12807/broadcast-news-single-fat-lady

4) Comedian (2002) - This is the movie I turn on whenever I need to feel inspired. I'd say that it has shaken me from at least 10 writing/performing slumps. It also keeps the dream alive that hard work will pay off with your own NBC sitcom. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgmK6AaEzkk

5) High Fidelity (2000) - This is one of those films that sort of defined a particular time in my life. Or, rather, it preceded it. In some ways it inspired me to move to Chicago and make mistakes in my personal life that would one day serve as inspiration for comedy material. Plus, Jack Black was very funny. Not the funniest film of all time, but one of my personal favorites: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DZE7OchG3DY

She Grew Up Tall and She Grew Up Right

2009-01-26T23:08:00.005-05:00

A moment for your current Miss America, Katie Stam. This 22-year old Communications major from University of Indianapolis took home the award last Saturday night in Las Vegas. That's right - the state that brought you the Super Bowl winning Indianapolis Colts, breadsticks with cheese, and David Letterman now has its first official Miss. Don't you wish they all could be Indiana girls?

PS - That being said, she's still got nothin' on my pal Steffi.

I Have Two Ears and a Heart, Don't I?

2009-01-24T00:36:00.003-05:00

The other day I was playing around with an application on iTunes called "Genius" that predicts music you might be interested in downloading. One of the songs that Genius thought I might like was, "Take Me Home" by Phil Collins. Not bad, Genius!

Listening to the song reminded me of watching the music video on VH1 back in the day, so I looked it up on YouTube. My god, that guy had some intricate and confusing music videos. And I don't mean that in a bad way. It's just evident that these were created when artists were still trying to figure out how to utilize the new technology.

As a preface: I'm not aware of the backstory on these videos. I did not see any of the movies that were intercut with them and can't remember what it was like to watch them live on MTV. I saw the famous episode of Miami Vice that utilizes "In the Air Tonight" but had never seen the official music video. That being said, I feel that my degree in Communication permits me to pontificate on these videos as an outsider.

"Take Me Home"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BN2GFqy41v4

Okay, this one isn't confusing in plot or narrative. It just makes me wonder how the concept was pitched to executives. "I need to fly to London to sing one line of my latest song. And then I need to fly to Paris to sing the next. And then I need to fly to..." How popular was Phil Collins that he could get away with something like that? Pretty ballsy, if you ask me. Kind of makes me want to write a comedy sketch that requires me to travel the entire world to say each line of dialogue.

"Sussudio"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TSnTi3W4-nM&NR=1

What? Wait, what? The video opens with a guy walking the dog while his family watches superstar Phil Collins. Then he walks past a crowded bar where a down on his luck performer that looks and sounds like Phil Collins is performing. The crowd doesn't really like him or the band. That is...until...SU-SU-SUDIO. What? I don't....what? The band waited until their last song to get the crowd moving and then there is absolutely no mention of the man with his dog again. Or the family. They all just vanish into thin air and we see the empty pub. What does that have to do with Sussudio? What is sussudio? Someone, spell it out for me.

"Against All Odds"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLnItWgKvWA&NR=1

Completely in the dark on this one. We're cutting back and forth between a singing mask (aka Phil Collins standing with half of his face in the rain) and clips from what looks like a spectacular movie. Might be set in Cancun. Might be Jeff Bridges, but it might not. He looks like he's on the beach at one point. And then everyone is in a unitard. And then he's playing football. But soon he's fighting everyone and everything in sight. I can tell that James Woods is the bad guy, but I'm not quite sure why. He either stole or killed the woman. And all this time Phil is singing about a breakup from what may be the ancient ruins of Chichen Itza.

"Separate Lives"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VtvWM5Rp7-A&feature=related

Gregory Hines and the old Russian guy from Sex and the City are in different rooms looking out their windows. And they are unhappy. And there is a woman who is also unhappy about how she can't be with Gregory Hines. Meanwhile, Phil is ALSO looking out a separate window as he tells us that he has just received a call from his ex. She wants to know how he's been and if he ever thinks of her. Brutal, right? SHE HAS NO RIGHT! Believe it or not, that's just the beginning.

There is a group of men smoking and drinking coffee as they watch all of this being video taped. Are they prisoners? We don't know. Suddenly Hines and Baryshnikov are wearing leggings in their own separate ballet studios. Or maybe the same one. I can't tell. And then a blond with big hair begins singing with Phil. Standing directly next to him and leaning on the piano. But are they together or is she the one who let him go? Her proximity to our man Phil varies at different points in the song, so I'd have to think she's the one who broke his heart. SHE HAD NO RIGHT to ask him how he's feeling!

And just when you think you may have it figured out -- the end of the video throws in a kicker. The Ruskie is holding onto a giant, frayed rope and is about to "go for it." And Hines tells him they're going with him. Freeze frame and fade back into Phil and the anonymous heart breaker. Haven't a clue, guys. Have not one clue. All I know is SHE HAD NO RIGHT!

"In the Air Tonight"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dmve3n-Woz4

For this one I was expecting a literal interpretation of the lyrics. Perhaps a live band with some killer drumming at just that right moment. Instead I got a German absurdest film and that "heat vision" function on old VHS recorders. Phil in empty rooms. Phil opening doors to other rooms. Zooming in and out on his face. Too bizarre to even make sense out of it.

If there are any Collins scholars (or Collars) out there would would like to lend your expertise to my viewing experience, your assistance would be greatly appreciated.

Don't Think Twice, It's Alright

2009-01-23T16:08:00.004-05:00

The studio may be dark again this week, but I've been just as busy as ever with friends, coworkers and plans for the future. Here's what's going on in my neck of the woods...

In the afterglow of the inauguration I've been celebrating with friends, working around the office, catching shows at UCB, reconnecting with former Chicago teammates, ice skating at South Street Seaport, and forming what sounds like it will be a pretty decent sketch group with some fellow comedy writer/performer-types. We're still in the early stages but there's a lot of interest and some great ideas that I'm very excited to develop.

In the next month or two I'm also eagerly anticipating the arrival of some good friends from Chicago. It's been too long and I can't wait to see them. Expect at least one future blog about our Indy/Chicago/NY comparisons and another about our pre-Oscar Best Picture marathon.

Can't wait to jump back into work this weekend and spend my evenings doing things that could very well lead to my ending up on this website: http://asleeponthesubway.tumblr.com/page/4. (The good news is that if my picture ends up on there before Ryan's, I win $10 bucks!)

All my best to you and yours. Have a great weekend! I leave you with pictures of my looking like a jackass.

What a Wonderful World

2009-01-20T00:43:00.005-05:00

I can't get to sleep. If I had to guess, I'd say I'm not alone.

It's a pretty cool thing to know that you're living through one of the most significant days of your lifetime. And it hasn't even happened yet! Every history book from now until the end of time has blank pages to be filled with words that will be spoken in the next twelve hours. Some day someone will ask me what it was like to be alive and awake on this very day. To be honest, I'm not sure what I'll tell them.

As of 12:43 AM, I'll tell them I was very happy, proud, and excited to be an American.

When I Was Seventeen...

2009-01-19T18:24:00.003-05:00

My good pal Nate stumbled upon some old photos of us from back at Brebeuf and I thought I'd post a few on the blog. Gotta love the good old goatee-wearing days, right?

Miss you guys!

Endorsement: Yacht Rock

2009-01-18T12:29:00.006-05:00

There's been something going around the office. No, not the flu that I was referencing earlier this week. Worse. And more infectious. Someone began singing a song by Michael McDonald on Thursday morning. And...damn it...we never even stood a chance against Michael McDonald impersonatia.

What is it about that man? He's just so easy and fun to impersonate. Like his soft rock brethren Neil Diamond or Aaron Neville - once it begins it's nearly impossible to prevent it from spreading around the office. I've been suffering from the affliction for years, but this time it was different. This time a coworker turned me on to a little thing called "Yacht Rock" and I will never be the same.

Yacht Rock is an online series posted to a website called Channel 101. The videos were sort of an imagined "Behind the Music" for the stars of a genre that never garnered it's due respect. The stories are completely fake. Actors look and sound almost nothing like the people they play. And it's a pop-culture fan's dream.

(cue the Reading Rainbow sound effects) But don't take my word for it...

Volume 1: What a Fool Believes
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jMTI8vg7A5U

Volume 2: Keep the Fire Burnin' Bright
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pLFrzkTHP18&feature=related

Volume 4: Rosanna
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Lnt0h7P-Uk&feature=related

Volume 7: I Keep Forgettin'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hnahCol3lXs&feature=related

Lessons Learned

2009-01-17T21:27:00.008-05:00

LESSONS LEARNED FROM WATCHING OLD MOVIES ON MY DVR WHILE RECOVERING FROM THE FLU AND A SUBSEQUENT COLD THIS WEEKEND:

-When a woman slaps a man he should take it and like it.

-Distrust a closed-mouth man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk and says the wrong things.

-Every man has a gun, but not every man has good aim.

-Grace Kelly is the most beautiful women in the world. Show her absolutely no interest and she'll be all over you.

-Bad guys are distinguishable from good guys in their inability to take a joke.

-Peter Lorre will always be one creepy dude.

-Every man should involve himself with beautiful, exotic women while keeping a homely, younger woman at the office to take care of him. She should have short hair, glasses, and a snappy personality that makes her completely asexual.

-If Alfred Hitchcock sits next to you on a bus you're screwed.

-Every man should be good friends with at least one cop who will watch their back.

-If a woman offers you "breast or thigh" - let her choose.

-The more you loathe money, the more people will offer it to you.

-Men who can scale rooftops: Cary Grant
Men who cannot: James Stewart

-Never trust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does.

-When a man can't be bought with money or loyalty...a closed-mouth kiss could be in his future.

-It's incredibly easy to tail someone without getting caught. To lose a tail, just let Grace Kelly drive.

-The best goodbyes are short. Unless you're on a bell tower with Jimmy Stewart.

-"Fathead" was a perfectly acceptable insult in 1949.

-Only one is a wanderer. Two together are going somewhere.

-Noon is too early for a drink. However it is never too early for the person you're drinking with, so you must oblige.

-Why buy an old car if you can get a new one cheaper? It runs better and lasts longer. The same is true for women - only in that case, always buy American.

Tools With No Purpose

2009-01-15T00:00:00.004-05:00

Earlier this week, a few coworkers were discussing new reality shows that had yet to come across my radar. I'm not a fan of reality television. In fact, I think people only watch them because it gives them something to talk about with their coworkers. Think about the number of times you've heard someone in your office discuss The Biggest Loser and I'm sure you'll agree. That's the only reason I got sucked into entire seasons of Joe Millionaire, American Idol and The Littlest Groom (the one and only reality show that I have ever loved so much it hurt). So, in the interest of employee camaraderie I took some time to watch two very similar reality programs: MTV's Bromance and VH1's Tool Academy.

I could only make it through about twenty minutes of Bromance, but as near as I can tell it's a show that follows one idiot as he chooses the top idiot from a group of idiots who all want to be exactly like the main idiot. Each week the idiots compete in challenges that display and reward their overall stupidity and idiocracy. The show is a sort of spinoff of The Hills, which is a spinoff of Laguna Beach, which was supposed to be a reality version of The O.C. But, you know, totally different from the simultaneous spin-off The City. Put another way? It's like if Saved by the Bell: The College Years gave A.C. Slater his own reality show on how to be just like A.C. Slater.

Meanwhile, the creators of Tool Academy provide an entirely different appeal: self-awareness. Instead of rewarding the idiots, the show's dominant narrative actually points out that they are all idiots. Here's the premise: nine idiots are told that they are on a reality show competing for the title of "Mr. Awesome" when they discover that their angry girlfriends have actually enlisted them in a show called Tool Academy. Much to their surprise, the show becomes about how these loser boyfriends will turn their lives around to become better men. Oh, and there is cash in it for them if they change.

I won't argue that either of these shows is worthy of your time. Both are trash television at it's trashiest. Both reward those predominantly believed to be undeserving of rewards. However, if there was ever one that I was going to watch again I'd have to say that it's Tool Academy. And not because of the idiotic men - but because I'm still in disbelief that there is a woman out there who would date a guy who goes by the name Matsuflex and then is SHOCKED to discover that he's a massive tool. Really? You met your boyfriend when he picked you up and threw you over his shoulder in a club. Now you're horrified to discover that he's done that to OTHER WOMEN too? Really? Your boyfriend takes his pants off everywhere he goes and grinds his "man panties" into other women's faces and this all comes as a shock to you? Really? Really?

I'm so shocked I may have to discuss it with my coworkers at the watercooler.

A Final Word on No Pants 2k9

2009-01-14T10:19:00.001-05:00

Official video from Improv Everywhere:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9La40WwO-lU

Airborne Toxic Event

2009-01-13T20:30:00.005-05:00

Let me begin by insisting that I am not sick.

It has been my experience that one does not become sick until one admits it and verbally states it as fact. Since I am not sick, there is no reason for me to state a damn thing.

That being said - I feel like crap. There's a flu going around the office and it's been taking my coworkers out of commission left and right. Last night, my face was incredibly warm but the rest of my body was shivering. My throat felt much better last week than it did today. I'm sore and achy all-over and would love nothing more than to crawl into a nice warm bed and never come out. But again, it's not that I'm sick. I'm drinking NyQuil for the delicious taste.

Other than not being sick, I am ready for this week to come to an end. Two more shows and then another nice, long week off. Ideally, a week free of unnecessary stress, drama, or people who think they are the exception to any rule. (SIDEBAR: When someone tells you to turn off your cell phone - turn it off. When someone tells you there is no photography - don't take a picture.)

More to come when I'm even less sick than I am now...which would be difficult cause I'm not sick at all. Now, where are the Hall's?

Today's Words of Wisdom

2009-01-12T02:34:00.005-05:00

"The best pumpkin pie you ever tasted was not that much better than the worst pumpkin pie."
-Garrison Keillor, The News from Lake Wobegon

No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service..Never Said Anything About Pants

2009-01-10T11:59:00.003-05:00

"My mama always said that if I don't know something I should ask a question. And so I am asking a question...why aren't y'all wearing pants?"

Between 1,200 and 1,500 people came out for this year's event. The guys will be posting the video on either Monday or Tuesday of this week - but overall it went off without a hitch. In fact, it was quite comfortable riding the subway like that. I'm not sure I'll ever wear pants again.

There's a Party Not In My Pants

2009-01-08T00:12:00.000-05:00

Sometimes a man needs to do something stupid in order to have a story about a stupid thing that he's done.

For years I have been following a group called ImprovEverywhere, a NYC-based performance art group who specialize in their guerrilla scenes and unexpected acts of randomness. Gaining popularity on the web and through This American Life, the team has created some very amusing and bizarre videos. In one video they send dozens of "agents" into a Home Depot who all begin walking in slow motion at the same time. Another one gave a small, obscure garage-rock band the greatest gig of their life by packing their concert venue with a sold-out crowd of fans (agents) who had memorized the words and treated them like the greatest thing since The Beatles.

Their most notable and attention-grabbing mission is an annual event called "No Pants Subway Ride." This annual event involves nearly one thousand men and women riding the subway in their underwear...to the shock and awe of their fellow riders. Here's more information:

http://improveverywhere.com/

I know it's a little silly - but I'm planning my Saturday around this event. Any and all are welcome to join. After the ride there's a bar in Union Square where the first drink is free to anyone who shows up without pants on.

Let's hope for a somewhat warm Saturday ;-)

Working On a Dream

2009-01-06T13:44:00.000-05:00

I'm pretty sure everyone at work knew how excited I was to be there today. And that's because I wouldn't shut up about it. What can I say? I was glad to be back for the first show of 2009! Each and every menial task was a thrill. Every redundant question was an exciting new opportunity to interact with the audience.

Why? Because I work at the Ed Sullivan Theater - that's why.

You know the only problem with loving your job? When you get drunk you might accidentally tell your boss how much you enjoy it. Which means more work for you. Which you love. Not bad, eh?

Who knows what I've got in store for the year ahead - but I'm going to keep pushing myself to leave the comfort zone and embrace new and exciting challenges. It was rarely difficult to get of bed when I loved a job - and damn near impossible when I couldn't stand it. This morning I lept out of bed and started listening to Jamie Cullum, so I think you know where I am.

Now I'm off to bed so that I can get up in the morning and get paid to do something I've dreamed of since I was in junior high. In the words of Sir Matthew McConaghey, "Alright, Alright."

Life is What Happens to You While You're Busy Making Other Plans

2009-01-04T14:31:00.008-05:00

When I was a kid I would never fall asleep in the car. Most kids are out by the time they hit the car seat, but not me. I was typically the first one up in the morning and the last to go to bed at night. Why? Because - like Steven Tyler - I didn't want to miss a thing.

I think it's that same trait which brings me such pleasure at the start of each year when I sit down to fill out my "At-A-Glance Weekly/Monthly" schedule/planner. I love planning things. Coming up with things to do. Writing them down. Crossing them off. Making sure I don't forget important dates or momentous occasions. Keeping track of accomplishments and setting new goals. For reasons I've never been able to fathom, this is fun for me.

I've been using the exact same model/style of planner for at least six years. Each year I purchase it from the same Staples across from my high school with a new set of pens to christen the pages. I suppose it's just another way that I'm a creature of habit. However, strangely, as time goes by my relationship to the planner has changed.

When I was in high school it used to be all about how quickly I would fill the pages in the first weeks of January. Planning things for my summer and fall. Reminding myself when Christmas will be - as if it wasn't already printed on December 25th each year. Instead of paying attention in class I'd make plans to see summer blockbusters or curse Ticketmaster for only showing concert dates three months in advance.

These days I have much more fun looking back at the previous year than planning ahead for the next one. I enjoy looking at what I was doing at this time last year. Looking at the goals that I set for myself and where I imagined I'd be in the fall. The things that had me stressed and the important deadlines that I kept pushing back. The notes that were underlined 8 times for importance and those that were scratched out so darkly I never wanted to remember them.

It's great because for all of the fun I used to get from planning - I've learned that there's no way to do it with any real success. In January 2008, I was skiing down the catwalks of the Rocky Mountains. In January 2009, I'll be up on the catwalk of the Ed Sullivan Theater. I haven't the slightest idea where I'll be filling out next year's At-A-Glance planner, but I hope it remains a mystery to me for as long as possible.

Best of 2009

2009-01-02T23:26:00.005-05:00

Best Movie: Gran Torino

Runner-up: The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttons

Best TV Show: A rerun of How I Met Your Mother

Runner-up: A few minutes of a rerun of Psych

Best First 25 Pages of a Book: "Dear American Airlines" by Jonathon Miles

Runner-up: "The Book of Vice" by Peter Sagal

Most Played Song: "Gran Torino Theme" by Jamie Cullum

Runner-up: "Thunder Road (Live 74/75)" by Bruce Springsteen

Most Visited Website: Facebook

Runner-up: Fandango

Greatest Accomplishment: Becoming a certified NYC Fire Guard

Runner-up: Ordering the Cuban burger at Hard Grove Cafe

Biggest Regret: Not getting up early this morning to do laundry

Runner-up: Not getting home in time to do it tonight

Goal for the Future: Doing my laundry

Runner-up: Returing to Hard Grove Cafe

RCA Dome (1984-2008)

2008-12-21T11:59:00.007-05:00

On this day we pause to remember the famed RCA Dome. Known to natives by it's original namesake "The Hoosier Dome," this building housed the Indianapolis Colts for twenty-four seasons - including one NFL Championship. I had the honor of walking out onto the AstroTurf during at least one Colts game, after an IHSAA game, and for a concert with The Beach Boys. It was, for all intensive purposes, a giant building where some cool things happened.

And now, a proper sendoff:

http://cosmos.bcst.yahoo.com/up/player/popup/?cl=11190499

Winter Wonderland

2008-12-19T14:53:00.007-05:00

The view from my doorstep this morning when I went to get the paper:

One of my favorite Late Show moments of the week:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wd5clMjlo5A&feature=related

Someone I'm very proud of for graduating from college:

What Are You Doin' New Years?

2008-12-17T22:33:00.005-05:00

There are certain things that everyone should do once in their life. In two weeks, the entire country will direct their attention to 43rd and Broadway as the New Year's Eve ball is dropped 77-feet in sixty seconds. I'm debating whether or not this is my year to head over there and witness the event first-hand.

On the one hand, you've got to wait in line for up to ten hours with absolutely no restroom break. Which isn't a big problem considering there is also no alcohol allowed. As if I didn't love a trip through the crowded streets of Times Square on a daily basis - now you've also got to deal with shoulder-to-shoulder tourists who've got absolutely nowhere to go. Ten hours of standing in the cold with complete strangers during prime cold and flu season. The moment will come, the ball will drop, and then 300,000 spectators will make their way through 1 ton of confetti and back to the subway stations...where they will wait for another three to four hours as they cram themselves like sardines into hot, sweaty subway cars. Everyone knows that New Years Eve is a let-down, why surround myself with 299,999 other bummed out people?

On the other hand, it's New Year's Eve in Times Square. One more thing to cross off the bucket list. Any thoughts from the peanut gallery? Anyone who has attended in the past care to offer their opinion? What should I do on New Year's - New Year's Eve?

Same Old Lang Syne

2008-12-16T23:07:00.007-05:00

Reading about someone else's subway experience is a lot like hearing them describe a dream -- it's really only interesting if you're involved. Still, this morning's experience was bizarre because it set the tone for the rest of my day. I'll be brief.

Subway arrives. Doors open. No one is exiting, so I enter the subway car. A man who was standing on the other side of a column shouts, "Are you kidding me? Seriously? Real nice!" Apparently, he felt that there was some sort of a line for the New York - New Jersey Transit to enter subway cars and he was rightfully entitled to enter first. Clearly an out-of-towner. I ignored his comments, but he persisted.

"Real nice. I can't believe that guy just went in front of me. Don't apologize. Don't say sorry. Ass. What an ass, right?" He turned to the woman beside him. She didn't seem to understand what was going on, but put a sympathetic hand on his leg. Perhaps he was trying to impress her.

At this point I could have easily apologized. I could have explained that I had not realized he was off to the side waiting to be the first to enter. I could have begged forgiveness, wished him a terrific day, or complimented his bushy, red, handlebar mustache. But I wasn't wearing my uniform and there were no indications of where I work or if I'd ever see this nut again. So instead - I just smiled.

Guys like that hate it when you smile. Last year, when I was in a similar situation in Chicago the guy got so mad that he screamed profanities in my face before elbowing me in the gut. This morning's guy spared me the elbow. Not that I wouldn't like to start the morning off with fisticuffs - but I sure as hell hope it's over something more respectable than the order we enter the subway car.

Later in the day I'd encounter the homeless yelling at cops, tourists yelling at the homeless, angry foreigners, the nasty, the rude, the mean, and the surly. It's enough to make a man grow cynical and jaded. Still, I just can't shake the fact that it's Christmas in the city. I approached it all with a shit-eating grin and made my way back home through the falling snow.

This city is beginning to grow on me.

It's a Wonderful Life

2008-12-14T23:15:00.007-05:00

My apologies for the infrequency of updates. I've recently come down with Christmas fever...and it shows no sign of breaking. Holiday parties, improv shows, and sharing spirits with friends have kept me busy over the past few days.

Whatever hesitation I had towards New York has begun to vanish in the glow of the holidays. Chicago still feels like home, but New York really feels like the next step. I still don't know for certain what I'll do next year -- but I like where things are headed. I'm happy with where I am, what I'm doing, and the possibilities in front of me. Looking forward to a brand new year!

And as I write this people are yelling at me to come watch Elf...so I'm going to go do that...but you stay classy blog-readers.

I Facebooked Your Mom Last Night

2008-12-11T01:18:00.004-05:00

Mariah Carey has informed me. Nat King Cole reminded me. Hell - even Wham woke me up to the news before they go-go'ed!

Yes, the holiday season is upon us. It's time to bundle up in woolen hats and scarves, travel across the country to visit extended family, and play everyone's favorite holiday game, "Didja hear what happened to..."

Why is it that every time I see anyone over sixty they insist on telling me what has become of every person they have ever come in contact with?

"Did you hear what happened to Nick Farcalucci? He's a successful producer on Broadway - so you know what that means. Lots of homosexuals seem to gravitate toward that line of work. Meanwhile, Nick's sister, you know, Karen Farcalucci? She just got married. She's having a baby in a few months - so you know what that means. Shotgun wedding for Mrs. Karen Farcalucci-Kirby. Which, I don't have to tell you what the hyphenated last name means..."

It's a time honored tradition of children and grandchildren alike to hear this information once a year and attempt to feign interest. However, recent trends in social networking could turn this annual problem into a year-long nightmare:

What will happen when senior citizens begin using Facebook?

Ignoring the immediate problem that you'll need to edit those comments, photos, and quotes about your sex life...think about the information that will be sitting at their finger tips.

You will never make it out of a holiday dinner without hearing questions about why your childhood friend broke up with his girlfriend, why your cousin is reading Twilight, or how your aunt received an invitation to a Pants Party. Your grandmother's news feed will be a constant source of family gossip that's even more exciting than her stories...because she knows all of their parents.

There will be applications reminding them when to take their medicine. "I Heart Mall-walking" groups. And not to be too morbid - but you know how awkward it is when someone breaks up on Facebook and the little broken heart icon comes up on the screen? What icon will they put up when someone is widowed?

Happy holidays, kids!

Baby It's Cold Outside (continued)

2008-12-09T08:13:00.003-05:00

Couple's took refuge in nearby coffee shops. Grown men refused to face the arctic tundra. Everyone that I spoke with complained, "Oh my God, it's SOO cold!"

Here's my new theory: it's not that Chicago is colder than New York, it's that New Yorkers complain about it more.

Was it cold in Chicago? Very. Did people complain? Nah. Go Bears.

In New York it was all that anyone could talk about. It's too cold. No one wants to go outside. Special concessions were made due to the "emergency weather." Anyone coming in from the street took at least 15 minutes to seek pity and acclaim. "Can you believe I went to get soup? In THIS weather?" Millions of New Yorkers felt they were deserving of the Presidential Medal of Freedom for stopping by Europa Cafe.

I'm off to work, but remember to throw on those longjohns, campers. It's could get down to 55 this week!

Each Time I Leave Chicago is Tugging My Sleeve

2008-12-07T23:46:00.005-05:00

This morning I woke up in Chicago, drove to Indianapolis, flew to New York, hopped a cab to lower Manhattan and jumped on a train to New Jersey. Planes, trains and automobiles indeed. Had a great time visiting friends and family and have returned to the East coast reinvigorated and renewed. At least I will be once I get some sleep.

Very glad that I took this week to visit the Midwest and was very thankful to see so many friends and family. There wasn't time to see everyone but I had a great time giving it a shot. Now it's back to the grindstone in New York for another few weeks til Christmas and New Year's.

Here are a few snapshots from my voyage:

Baby, It's Cold Outside

2008-12-05T15:23:00.003-05:00

When I speak of Chicago to New Yorkers there is invariably one response that I always hear:

"I could never do the winters in Chicago. Too cold."

True, the tepid New York winters are proving to be a delight. The breezy palm trees. Dining al fresco. Bikini clad women carrying tropical drinks with tiny umbrellas in them before applying sun lotion to tourists in Bryant Park.

Forgive me - but since when are New York winters suddenly "mild"? According to the National Weather Service the average low temperature each year in Chicago is 28 degrees. In New York it's 30. That's a two-degree difference. Two degrees! That's Kevin Bacon's connection to Val Kilmer (Tom Cruise in Few Good Men and Top Gun). That's nothing.

Ill concede a lot of things on the Chicago v. New York front, but weather ain't one of them. Yes, it's cold. It's freezing and last night I had an ice cream headache just walking back from my car. But if you're really that cold in Chicago just stop by the Wiener's Circle for cheap insulation. I recommend the char-burger with fries. Just remember what it says on the tip bucket: "Every bitch must tip."

Sentimental Guy

2008-12-04T19:19:00.006-05:00

Holy crap - I have missed Chicago!

Over the course of the past twenty-four hours I've caught up with friends, seen familiar places, and made plans for my remaining time here on this "dark week" at The Late Show. I know that I've always been a sentimental guy, but it's a particular sickness that I was excited to ride the crowded #36 bus again. I worry that I was actually up to the challenge of finding free parking near the Lincoln Park Zoo. It concerns me that I consider my wind-burnt cheeks to be a kiss from Daley himself.

I remember the first time I walked through DePaul's campus. I was standing at the intersection of Sheffield and Fullerton and the first snow of the year fell to the ground. That's when I knew this was a place I wanted to be. Last night I was at dinner my friend Maggie when she asked why I was smiling and staring out the window. Go ahead, roll your eyes and groan but it was snowing and I was happy. I've had a lot of very warm memories over the last four years and can honestly say this place feels more like home than anywhere else I've lived.

It is both sad and reassuring that a place like this exists and goes on without me. Sad that I'm missing it all in New York, but nice to know that it's here if I ever want to come back. Don't get me wrong - the job has been an amazing experience. I'm currently living the dream I've had since I was in junior high. But as I sit here typing at the Starbucks below Second City it's tough to imagine living anywhere else.

I Am Speechless, I Am Without Speech

2008-12-03T15:10:00.004-05:00

I'm sitting in coffee shop in Lincoln Park with absolutely nothing to say. I've missed this place more than I thought I would. It looks the same but different. I'm still trying to organize my thoughts - so instead I'll borrow words from other great writers that have crossed my mind over the last half hour.

“It is hopeless for the occasional visitor to try to keep up with Chicago-she outgrows his prophecies faster than he can make them. She is always a novelty; for she is never the Chicago you saw when you passed through the last time.”

-Mark Twain

"Once you've come to be a part of this particular patch, you'll never love another. Like loving a woman with a broken nose, you may well find lovelier lovelies. But never a lovely so real."

-Nelson Algren

"New York is one of the capitals of the world and Los Angeles is a constellation of plastic, San Francisco is a lady, Boston has become Urban Renewal, Philadelphia and Baltimore and Washington wink like dull diamonds in the smog of Eastern Megalopolis, and New Orleans is unremarkable past the French Quarter. Detroit is a one-trade town, Pittsburgh has lost its golden triangle, St. Louis has become the golden arch of the corporation, and nights in Kansas City close early. The oil depletion allowance makes Houston and Dallas naught but checkerboards for this sort of game. But Chicago is a great."

-Norman Mailer

Say It To My Face

2008-12-02T23:41:00.003-05:00

This week was a "dark week" at The Late Show, so I've been visiting friends and family in the Midwest. I drove down to PA to meet up with the family for Thanksgiving, dropped one sister back off at college, and spent a few days in Indy with the rest of the family. Tomorrow, I'm off to Chicago to see about a dozen more.

Catching up with old friends has been great. I've had a few drinks with the guys, shared coffee and study time with the girls and enjoyed a lot of delicious food with the family. I've also had a puppy fall asleep in my lap on more than once occasion - which is significantly more relaxing than when a businessman does it on the A train.

I'm really starting to appreciate the difference between talking to friends on the phone and talking face to face. I could talk to my good friend Theo on the phone for online for hours, but it never beats sharing a drink at our favorite Irish pub. We talk all the time, but it felt like I hadn't seen him in years. Modern technology allows us to keep in touch with people through Facebook, Google Chat, and text messaging - but these things all pale in comparison to seeing them in person. It's a really great feeling and I'm incredibly thankful that I had this week off.

I hesitate to offer advice - especially after the other night when I was accused of "lecturing" to a lovely young woman - but if you have an opportunity to visit your friends and family I'd highly recommend it. Even with MySpace, Twitter and Skype - there's really no substitute.

More Scenes from America

2008-12-01T18:29:00.004-05:00

MORE SCENES FROM AMERICA

Cast
SIMPLE MAN - Assistant Manager of a movie theater
HERO - charming, good-looking, and modest

INTERIOR - A multiplex in Indianapolis

HERO

Excuse me - the sound in theater #6 is not working properly.

SIMPLE MAN

Are you in the 20?

HERO

(confused)

Theater #6.

SIMPLE MAN

But are you still in the 20 or has the movie started?

HERO

It's the previews.

SIMPLE MAN

Yeah, you're in "The Twenty." That's what we call our previews.

HERO

Oh. Okay. Well, the sound is not working.

SIMPLE MAN

Yeah, I heard about that. It's snowing.

HERO

Yes. Yes, it is. Will the sound be working for the movie?

SIMPLE MAN

Oh yeah. That happens when it snows during "The Twenty."

HERO

Okay. Well, uh, thanks.

POST-SCRIPT: The sound did not improve, even after "The Twenty." Movie canceled on account of "snow."

Scenes from America

2008-11-29T18:57:00.005-05:00

SCENES FROM AMERICA

Cast
SIMPLE MAN - Greying, bifocals, wearing a collared uniform
HERO - charming, good-looking, and modest

INTERIOR - A combination gas station/fast-food joint twenty miles outside of Columbus, OH.

SIMPLE MAN

Debit or credit?

HERO
Debit.

SIMPLE MAN

You know in Columbus they try and charge you three bucks to use your debit?

HERO

Really? That's crazy.

SIMPLE MAN

Yeah. Shit's getting expensive.

HERO

Yeah, it's even worse in New York.

SIMPLE MAN

New York? Shit - you're never gonna believe this. I went to high school there.

HERO

Really? Uh, that's crazy.

SIMPLE MAN

Seriously. Seriously. Just about an hour and forty-five minutes outside the city. But it was a small town like this.

HERO

Huh.

SIMPLE MAN

What are you doin' in New York?

HERO

I work out there.

SIMPLE MAN

Oh, what do you do?

HERO

(somewhat hesitantly)

I work at The Late Show.

SIMPLE MAN

NO KIDDING! Shit, buddy, you are never gonna believe this. Just yesterday we had a guy come in who makes motorcycles out of paper.

HERO

(awkwardly long pause)

Huh.

SIMPLE MAN

Seriously. Seriously, man. I think he might go on Leno someday. Leno called him, but I never heard how it went. Maybe you'll see him up there in New York.

HERO

Huh. You never know. Have a good day.

SIMPLE MAN

(shouting to the McDonalds)
Hey Cheryl - that man there works for David Letterman. That one in the sweater. I was telling him about Jim...

BLACKOUT

I Gotta Go See About a Girl

2008-11-26T19:44:00.004-05:00

Last night, while engaged in conversation with a lovely young woman I was told that I reminded her of an actor. This immediately excited me, because it's a game that I've enjoyed since I began working in radio. On more than one occasion we would open the phones to learn who listeners thought we looked like. This always made for some bizarre answers:

Oliver Platt (The West Wing)
Fred Savage (The Wonder Years)
My brother-in-law (who knows?)
Jack Black
Peter Gallagher
Kevin Smith
Someone from P.O.D.
That kid from On Golden Pond
A straight George Michael (which I can only assume was a reference to my five o'clock shadow)

Last night's answer, however, was unique:

"Who is that guy from Good Will Hunting?" she asked.

Hmm. Interesting. I've never gotten Ben Affleck before, but I suppose in a certain light it's possible to see some resemblance to...

She clarified, "The psychiatrist...what's his name?"

"Robin Williams?"

"Yeah! Him!" she exclaimed.

She went on to explain that I'd been making her laugh all evening and I smiled like Robin Williams in that Oscar-winning movie. No, not Robin Williams in a comedy film. Or Robin Williams in stand-up. No, I remind her of Robin Williams as the tormented psychology professor/widower who is unable to move on from his tortured past. Awesome!

A co-worker came over to console me.

"Mike," he said. "It's not your fault."

"I know."

"No. Mike, listen. It's not your fault."

"I know. I get it."

"Mike. It's not your fault."

"Don't f*ck with me, man."

"It's not your fault."

And then we wept.

Endorsement: A Colbert Christmas

2008-11-23T23:46:00.007-05:00

I just finished watching A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All and I'm absolutely speechless. While his finest moment remains the White House Correspondent's Dinner, this special absolutely blew me away. I'd rank it in his top five greatest Colbert moments of all time.

Parodying 1970s Christmas specials, Colbert finds himself stuck in a cabin in upstate New York, held captive by an angry bear. Naturally, popular musicians and entertainers like Toby Keith, Willie Nelson, Jon Stewart, John Legend, Feist, and Elvis Costello each find plausible ways to join him - thus, saving Christmas. The special features brand new Christmas songs written by the head writer of The Daily Show and a member of Fountains of Wayne. Trust me - John Legend's performance will give you a whole new respect for the singer. And your spice rack.

I'd been hearing about this special for over a month and can safely say that it exceeded all expectations. It started out just a little rough and hokey - but by the end of it I was shaking my head wondering how they'd pulled off such an amazing feat. I think this special will become a staple like "A Christmas Story" and Adam Sandler's "The Chanukah Song."

The truly amazing thing about Stephen Colbert is how much he's been able to do with his character. What started out as a brief parody of Bill O'Reilly during election coverage on The Daily Show has turned into a cultural phenomenon. Tonight's program just proved that the sky's the limit for Mr. Colbert, so I can't wait to see where he takes it next.